.Eleven Months.

Eleven months has come so quickly some days and other days it feels like the days have gone so slowly. This last month...mostly this trip to Ireland...has allowed me for much healing. It's amazing the perspective you get when you are somewhere you can be just you again....not the young widow or the poor girl who lost so much...just Chris' wife, Olivia, who found her building block to put herself back together and start over.

St. Patrick's cathedral was beyond moving for me. I found myself crying and praying the deepest prayers I had ever known and it was there, in that beautiful sanctuary, among travelers, tourists, locals, and my two best friends, that I realized I never really said goodbye...at least, not in the way I would have wanted if I had the time to let my heart out and say what it wanted. I sat in that hospital room, numb, not knowing what to say or if he'd hear me but I know he does...I know this goodbye that I write today will be more than enough and it will reach him, wherever he might be.

Eleven months is so close to the one year mark....and so far from the nearly 7 years we would have spent together this year....he blessed me with the most beautiful life--I hope you can all see, among the sorrow, there is great joy...joy in the way he loved me and taught me to love...joy in the beauty of just being myself in a love so deep that I never worried about saying the wrong thing or how I looked when I rolled out of bed in the morning...a love that washes over me, even now, and is gently pushing me to start living for me again--to make myself a priority, to care about me and to start over....but not before I tell the man who showed me the most beautiful sunsets and made every sunrise brighter than the last....and who, even on the stormiest of days, always reminded me to look for the rainbows...and if I was lucky enough, I might even see two at once. The man who comforted me...made my bad days better...and gave more of himself than I ever even realized until it was too late....the man who would never be mad at me for starting over and taking care of me....and who visits me in my dreams. This one, my love, is just for you....

Dear Chris,
If I had known this is how it would end, I would have had more to say to you than I did that day nearly a year ago. I would have told you the depths of my heart...and I would have memorized your heart beat as we slept that night. I couldn't have known though, so this is my proper goodbye...at least in this lifetime.

I loved the way you love me. I love your curly hair and those beautiful hazelnut colored eyes....I love the birthmark on your forehead that you always thought stuck out too much...I love the traveling we got to do together...I love the quiet moments when you'd say something out of nowhere and it made me laugh so hard I would cry....I love how ticklish your feet are...I love that at 28 you had the most beautiful laugh lines....I love the way you laughed with your whole heart....you felt joy with your entire being.

You are the best man I ever met....you believed there are great things inside of me and you reminded me to take it slow, breathe deeply, and always love with my whole heart--no regrets, just more love. You sing in the shower and I'd stand by the door just to listen to it all....you made mistakes and were quick to apologize. I love the lists and the routine you created around me and us.

I miss you. I miss everything you are.....but I know that you are always here....and you always hold me in the palm of your hand, even when things get hard....but God knows, I miss you so much. I miss the sound of your razor in the bathroom every Sunday and Wednesday....I miss your quirks and the passion you had for so many things. You taught me that--passion, love, all of it wrapped into one beautiful person.

I want you to know that just because time changes me....that because I will put myself back together someday, I will always be your wife and I will always love you. There will be a day when starting over doesn't seem so scary and I dive right in...and I want you to be there for all of that too....I want you to know there are still going to be the really hard days but I am choosing to remember the beautiful days of your life...to celebrate you each and every day....in every possible way that I can. I want you to be proud of where I'm going and the honor I have of carrying your memory in the depths of my heart each and every day.

I want you to know I'd do this all over again every day....and that you will always be my best friend, confidant, and husband....even if you can't talk back--I will always talk to you--when I'm sad, mad, happy, content, thriving, joyful, numb, defeated, and blissful.

I want you to feel the prayers and love I send to Heaven each day....and I want you to know how thankful I am for bringing me into your life--enveloping me in it--and never letting me go. You promised you'd love me until the end of time and you did....every day you loved me just like the first day you said it out loud....and you take care of me-even now when I cannot see you...and you always will.

You are the best man. I couldn't find anyone better. Maybe love will come for me again someday and if it does, I know your fingerprints will be all over it...and if it doesn't, I will at least know what it felt like....but no matter what, you will love me and I know this--there is no shame in starting over...you give me the courage each day to try again....and my strength comes from you...fueled by your love and protected in your safe arms. So, I'm going to stop worrying about how things look to the outside and I'm going to live our love each day so that you would be proud....thank you for giving me the space to do this....and for still wrapping me in your heart each day.

Maybe it's not goodbye....maybe it's just that our conversations will be one sided for a while....because I still feel you....I still know you're here...and I will always love you from here to the moon.....and maybe the day when I dive in and start over will be scary....but you'll be there, holding my hand, making sure I don't go in too deep before I'm ready.

Goodbye is permanent...but I will see you again-I'm sure of it-and when I do, just know that every step I take I have carried you with me. See you when I get there, love....until then, I'll be meeting you in my dreams.

Love always,
Your Livvy.