.Nine Months.

Nine months has come seemingly fast. It has been a bit of a change in the last month. I've really felt a bit more myself. I think a lot of it is the weather--it definitely has done a lot for my mood...but, on the flip side, I think a lot of it is truly beginning to put myself back together. I've made a lot of changes, albeit good and scary, and I'm ready to tackle another huge challenge. Some call it distraction. I call it starting over.

The changes between eight and nine months have been monumental for me. I'm switching jobs....a bittersweet decision. Chris carried our insurance and after dislocating my shoulder and seeing true medical expenses I had not expected, it became a necessity to go back to a group health plan. This was a hard decision, one I wish I had Chris here to help talk it through with. he always did the listening and the nodding and the assuring that yes, Olivia, we would always be okay. He was quick to remind me that we have each other so, even if we lived in a cardboard box, we'd at least have love. I was quick to remind him that a cardboard box surely couldn't house our dog and cats and he was quick to remind me of leashes and various other techniques in which to keep them close by....and that they do make igloo looking dog houses where maya could live and be comfortable. He always had an answer...and a way to make me laugh, even in the thick of it.

I wish I could explain how much I miss him to you. It is deep and quite unending....it's the quietness right before I fell asleep where my head would rest gently on his chest that I miss the most. That safeness. The one thing I have done most for myself the last nine months. Protect. my heart. my feelings. all i have left of everything he was and everything we were.

At nine months I've found the true beauty in preserving....and the true appreciation in the hand written notes, the phrase he recorded in a picture frame, our wedding videos, any videos, and everything that came from his very heart. I've spent a lot of time this month going through those very things...sifting...keeping...letting go of....and doing a lot of preservation of memories so that my heart may never forget the many gifts Chris gives me each day.

In between nine and ten months, our two year anniversary falls. This day will be hard. It is the one day I own all to myself. It would have been 2 years this year...that is the wood anniversary....i'm not sure what he would have come up with but at this point, he would have been telling me he has no idea what to get me and he would have asked me for ideas to which i likely would have responded i don't know but i'm sure i'll like whatever you choose. Those are the moments I miss the most. the normal, routine, mundane moments where we sat in our pajamas talking about our day and vacations we want to take and the life we were building.

Nine months later and it is the little things I miss the most. nothing extra special. just how he smelled just after a shower. how he asked me for lotions for his dry hands but definitely unscented because he didn't want to smell like a girl. how he sang in the shower. how he kissed me every morning before he left for work and did it ever so gently so he wouldn't wake me. how he made the bed. how he loved me and told me very day. and just, simply, how he lived.