.I Couldn't Have Known It Then.

I have been surrounded by new beginnings lately....felt them all around me....and I've done my best to embrace them....and how freeing it has been. Love. Life. Laughter. Dreams. They are all in plain sight and clear view...and after having truly forgotten how they felt for quite some time, it is a welcomed return.

I wish I could tell you how hard I laughed in Ireland. Sitting at the Arch House with my two best friends....I laughed so hard I cried and then I felt--these tears of absolute joy...and they flooded over me so quickly and I felt this joy that I thought had escaped me and yet, there it was, finally in my grasp again. Finally close enough to hold, to feel, and to use to put myself back together. I left a piece of myself in that beautiful country.......along with the sorrow I left it, I gave it such love so that I may go back and feel nothing but love again and again and when I return I hope to have found that my heart could only ever keep growing

I couldn't have known it then....but I do now....that the sun could shine again.....I could dream new dreams again... I could laugh with my whole heart again and smile to the ends of the earth.....the world would be a little less scary and I could love myself by myself enough for myself....and yes, all of these things have happened for me so that I could reach the light at the end of that very dark, seemingly long, tunnel.

And it is true that I miss Chris every day....and that I wish he could be here....and that I still have my rough days....but I use his light and love to guide me....to hold me close when I need it the most...and to know that I've been through the worst......it can only ever go up from there.

I know we all have bad days and bad things happen to really good people.........but I also know that good things happen to those great people too and that there is a great plan for us all. I couldn't have known it then....but I do now....and it's filled with more love than anyone can imagine and it will leave you bursting at the seams again....for the days filled with hope and promise that tomorrow might be even better than today....and maybe sometimes, it won't be....but most of the time--I hope those tomorrows are always better than your best yesterday so the joy you feel may be deeper, bigger, and more beautiful than anything you've ever known....and I pray each day that we all may know that kind of love.....that unending joy.