It seems almost strange to be sitting here, reflecting on a whole year. Truth be told, most of the time it doesn't ever feel like a year but I suppose that's mostly normal too and maybe normal doesn't mean much...maybe normal is just a measurement so we don't always feel so crazy.
You all have walked this journey with me....day to day...month to month...sometimes hour by hour...and I want you all to know how much strength I draw off your comments, love and prayers. I feel your prayers wrap around me....even on the hardest days. I promised myself when I started these ramblings that I would document this journey so that I might be able to see progress at the end of a year and I have seen just that.
If there is anything I have learned it is that life does go on and that finding your place in life again requires patience, work, love, and a whole lot of prayer. It is with God's grace that I find myself here, at the end of a year, with more peace than sorrow. I can tell you that it is true, I have laughed again--with my whole heart....I have smiled to the ends of the earth...I have made beautiful new dreams...I have spoken from my heart....I have learned to let go and accept that which I couldn't have changed then and still can't change now....I have picked myself up, dusted myself, and learned the true beauty in trying again-always trying again....I have made beautiful memories....I have learned the power of love....I have sung at the top of my lungs again....I have seen Chris' memory change people....I have been a part of my own change of self...and because of that, I am better, stronger, and braver than I could have ever known a year ago.
Today certainly is a day I will never forget....I will forever mark time by this day....but I will also remember, with my whole heart, the beauty that is Chris--the way he smiled and laughed and sung and loved....and no, the missing him never goes away....and the loving him never stops....and the thoughts of where we'd be if this didn't happen come into mind often....but then, time stops for a moment and I can feel him near me. A year later I still remember the sound of his voice, the depth of his laugh, the way it felt when his arms wrapped around me, the way his hand would reach for mine, and the love that envelopes me every single day. He is still here....everywhere....in everything...and everyone--and that is one of the most beautiful feelings in the world.
The ups and downs will always exist....and the grieving is always a process and sometimes I go forward and sometimes I find myself falling behind but always, I put one foot in front of the other and keep going. I couldn't have known the strength that would accompany me on this journey a year ago....after the numbness wore off, all I remember is feeling stuck, sad, and angry....and then the anger subsided, and just sadness was left--this emptiness...this longing...and then the living started to happen again--the participating in life and not just feeling like I was better off watching and before I knew it, I had turned a corner without even realizing I was walking instead of just standing....and sometimes, it felt like I was running--running toward this peace...and then acceptance creeped in ever so slowly until I was ready to get over the hump...and then, it happened...and all that was left was this unending love that pours into my heart each day.
So....this next year hold much promise and new hope as I continue on this journey. I have big plans for myself...and I plan on carrying Chris with me through them all....I have lots of big news that I will unveil when the timing is right and I pray you all will support me through more bad and good days. You all have been a part of my healing....and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for standing beside me, sometimes carrying me, and always holding me close to your heart.
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