Dating sucks. Let's be honest here....first of all, it is hard enough to start over on your normal routine than to even consider putting yourself back into the dating scene. For me-it's been anything but normal. I've talked to potential "dates" and have even gone on 2....and well, all I feel like is that I've been cheating on my husband each time. He doesn't look like Chris...or smell like Chris....or sound like Chris....and gosh, sometimes I want to just talk about Chris and all we did together and things we all would have had in common but the first date usually isn't the time or the place for that. Frustrating.
It certainly is different in the sense that it's an entirely different feeling the second time around...I have the want and desire to move slowly and when someone comes at me too fast, I panic....like when you call me and want a date within the first 72 hours of talking on the phone-I'm just not ready....or willing to be completely honest. Then there's a whole lot of fear....what if he doesn't like me or what if he likes me too much....or, worse, what if I like him? Then what...how do I tell Chris' family and how do I imagine not putting on my wedding ring each day....but, truth be told, I don't want to be alone forever either and I know Chris wouldn't want that for me either-in fact we had that conversation a few times and he always assured me he'd want me to find someone again. Too bad all the assuring in the world doesn't make this any easier. I feel like the hurdles I face dating are far worse than just being single. These hurdles are certainly high and, lets be honest--I'm certainly not built for track and field.
When I tell someone I'm a widow, all of a sudden all of these misconceived notions come about and people go on thinking whatever it is that they want and assume things that just aren't true. I'm not damaged or broken....I've been through hell but I didn't choose this, so please don't hold it against me. I have a lot of love to give and it wasn't all "used up" by my husband....your heart can grow and change and become something beautiful....and maybe, just maybe, you might even learn a thing or two from me about life and the beauty of living in the moment. I still have dreams and goals and things that make me happy. I still have hobbies and friends just like everyone else--the only difference is my life experience is a bit different than most...and believe me--I'm not contagious--this will not happen to you if you spend time with me.
Then, after the initial thoughts and suspicions are over--everyone wants to know how and why, at my age, I'm husband-less. Then people try to offer you some sort of condolences except most of the time I wish people would just offer a simple I'm sorry.
Now, the art of it is kindly listening and saying everything you think appropriate without scaring the other person off. Yep--definitely a balance I'm trying to master. Really-no one wants to hear about how God awful it was and no one really wants to laugh about it and no one really knows what to say after hearing your story so the best you can do is spin it into a positive about how much he taught me and how he'll always be a huge part of my life but that I still have room. At that point, it's almost like cheating....or, it feels like cheating. I know Chris is watching and listening and hearing....and then what.....what will he say when I get to Heaven....and suddenly, I'm really not listening to the other person much anymore--I throw in an "uh-huh" here and there and the next thing I know, I'm just off in my own little world wondering exactly what the hell I'm doing thinking that anything could be as good as what I had....and then before I know it, I've had to go or it's gotten too late and I've hung up the phone and the only person I wish was here to tell me how ridiculous that conversation was is a whole world away.
Ahhh, dating....is it really all it's cracked up to be? I feel like everyone is waiting for me to "announce" that I'm back on the market but really I'm embracing that if it's meant to be it will and until then, I'll enjoy myself and my life....if it should happen for me again I'm certain Chris' fingerprints will be all over it so maybe all I need is a sign...or a feeling...or just some patience. :)
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