.700.

3/13/10

We've been married 700 days today....there's nothing all that special about that particular number--it doesn't fall on our anniversary or anything like that....but it's still 700....and yet, that is nothing for the fact that I will spend the rest of my life married to my wonderful husband....even if we are seperated by universes.

I've lately described myself as being in the worst best place in my life. I certainly don't expect anyone to understand that...it's kind of hard for me to explain in all honesty. It's this sort of no-man's land where you sit looking at the fact that you could do anything you want with your life...anything at all....while also still missing him and wishing he was here to share in all of it with you....but you also know that if he was here--these things certainly wouldn't be happening...at least, not without a compromise and probably not in the same sequence. I know, for sure, that Chris and I would certainly have different furniture if he were here to choose it with me. :) It's nice to think about what life would be like....how different it might or might not be....but mostly, I am working on putting myself back together without losing him in the mix. It is true, I will never again be the same person....but I think I can find a balance of holding on and remembering without becoming forever bitter. I love to remember Chris and talk about all the quirks he had and all the things I love about him....and I know he'd want me to keep on moving...but somedays it's just hard. 700 days of marriage later and I still remember him placing those rings on my finger as if he did it every day....and in my heart, he does.

In 700 days of marriage I have learned that it is a daunting task to get married, go on a honeymoon, come back, and buy a house all in 2 months.....but if you're truly partners, anything is possible. I've learned to hold with a loose grip....always encouraging his time with his friends and his time for himself with still balancing time for us and things for us to do that made us happy. I've learned nothing is permanent. I've learned that marriage is a team effort and that I never realized all the things Chris did for us until he wasn't here for me to thank....all the dishes and laundry and household chores I never even had to worry about that now consumes my days. I've learned to be gracious and kind because I learned from the best. I've learned that marriage is sacred and shouldn't be taken lightly....I would give anything for one day of mine back and there are people all over the news and the world abusing what they have. I've truly learned the depth of how deeply I can love without ever knowing I was capable of it....you learn that kind of love when you are faced with planning a funeral and getting questioned about your love and life from detectives...and when you stare at a giant hole in the ground knowing you're placing your best friend there to rest....and all you can do is love him more every single day for truly giving you forever.

So, no, today is nothing all that special....but it is 700 days later....and I'd marry him every single day for the rest of my life.