.Eight Months.

2/24/10

Eight months seems like a long time....but it isn't....not when you're still finding your place. It is, though, long enough for some things...

It's long enough to begin to realize he's not coming back....but it's not long enough to accept it fully. I've reached a point where I've begun to stop half expecting Chris to walk in the door, or when I hear a strange noise, to stop thinking it might be him and instead realize it really is my cats being goofy. I've stopped walking by things in the store and thinking, wow, that would look great on him or he'd love that....but I also still think of what we'd be doing if he was here--even though I know he isn't. My mind knows he's not here....but my heart just isn't ready to accept it.

It's long enough to start cleaning out his closet...but it's not long enough to know what to do with those things. I began to put Chris' things away just a few short days ago. It was hard. All these emotions. I cried and laughed and got mad and sad and nostalgic...all in the same moment. It sounds crazy when I say it like that and, truthfully, it is. There were two shirts he bought on our honeymoon that he wore faithfully, his favorite Brewers t-shirts, Badgers sweatshirt, Packers t-shirts, hats, jeans, belts, socks, dress clothes, shoes, important papers, his wallet--still with his last $10 in it--and so many other things that mattered to him.....and each one, each thing, has a memory attached that brought every emotion I could bear to the surface. I apologized for all the stupid "reasons" I got mad, smelled each shirt just to see if I could still smell him and carefully folded it like he would and put it in a box....all this--his life, our life, came down to plastic totes I purchased to be extra sure that these very things would last....and yet, I don't know what I want to do with them. I'm not ready to donate them and I certainly don't want to give them away. I need to hold on to all of this a little while longer....but it's a step....and even though it was hard--these are just things, and yes, they're Chris' things--but the memories are what comfort me. The memories are what keeps him alive....and still, all those totes sit in my bedroom because I'm just not ready to pack them away.

It's long enough to start to say my and mine but not long enough to like it. Chris was an amazing man. He told me he knew I was the one when he started saying things like ours and we without even thinking twice about it. I still differentiate between "his things" and "my things" like his car and his magazines that still come and our house...even though, eventually, they're going to solely be just my things to people who don't know us. I often find myself telling people about our things, our house, our everything and people usually ask--well, where's the other half to this our? Usually, I dodge the question...but if I feel comfortable enough, I tell them he's in Heaven and that I love and miss him very much. It will always be ours to me and, in my heart, that's enough for now....bear with me, I'm learning as I go.

It's long enough to hope for a bright future but not long enough to let go of the past. I have more hope in my heart than most. I am trying to see, every day, the light at the end of the tunnel...but I'm just not ready to go straight to the end yet. In between where I am and the light there is a lot that needs to happen. I need to accept this change, let go of the five year plan I had, and give myself enough room to grow before I turn that corner. I don't know the person I was before this happened...and that's okay. I will never be her again. That's okay too. I'd like to think it has made me better in some aspects...and that it WILL make me better long term....it is teaching me patience, love--true, unconditional love, how to be gracious and thankful, how to roll with the punches, and how to be fully present in each moment.

It's long enough to be okay most of the days but not long enough to ever stop missing him. I'm still trying to find the place where life isn't so flat and cold but I'm finding myself having mostly pretty decent days. Days filled with more laughter than tears and finding ways to fill in the hard spots with good memories....but I miss him. Every minute of every day, and some days more than others. The missing him will never go away, but hopefully the ache and pain will dull and I will soon find he isn't as far as he seems. If I'm patient, I am hopeful things will again start falling into place.

It's long enough to start putting the pieces back together but not long enough to ever stop loving him. Chris gave me the best six years of my life. Today, I still feel so incredibly in love with him. It's hard to explain...this love. It's different. It's deep and comforting. It holds me together when I feel like I'm falling apart. It's changed me from the minute I met him...it made me want to be better...it still makes me want to be better. It's kept my priorities in place and given me the courage to fight for what and who I love each and every day. It's made me brave. It's never given up on me and much like the lighthouse we sat at on our very first date, it has guided me every single day since losing it all.

So, eight months is long enough to start to find myself again but not long to ever forget the man who saw the best in me every single day And, in all reality, no amount of time will ever let me forget the man who took me, 6 years ago, and protected me, comforted me, loved me, and gave me the world.....and I wouldn't ever want it any other way.

I will never ever forget and I'll love you 'til the end.