.Stuck.

2/16/10

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever manage to dig myself out of this seemingly unending pile of emotions and logistics. Then I remember what's gotten me this far. Faith. Hope. Love.

When I don't know what to do or where to go I pray about it. I don't always get the answers I'm looking for or the sign I am waiting for....and sometimes I do. Sometimes it's a soft nudge and other times it's a brick crashing down on my head. Either way, I am open to listening and trying to learn from everything. Prayer. It grounds me...helps me to remember that there is someone much bigger who has plans for me and while I don't know them now...I trust they will unfold and I will, again, find happiness.

Hope fills my sails when the storm rushes in. If there is anything that has gotten me through on this journey, it is hope. It's not tangible. I cannot put it in a box for you to see....but you can see me, getting through every day, doing the very best I can....it's not always easy and going through something like this changes you....and still, I have hope that all my pieces will fit back together again someday....scars and all. I have hope that whatever hardship we face can be met head on with perserverance, patience, and love.

Love....even broken hearted, I have so much love in my heart because I have received so very much. There are amazing people in this world. Complete strangers who have offered more than most without even thinking twice. Friends who quickly become family. Family who truly teaches you unconditional love...all over again.

Don't get me wrong...there is an emptiness...and an ache that creeps in daily...but there is also laughter...and the hard days--well, mostly they're really hard....but the good days...they're really good. I take them when I can get them...I wake up each morning with renewed hope and faith that there will be enough love to sustain me on this journey...quickly realizing there is an unending supply.

Accepting is hard. Living without my amazing husband is harder. Losing him humbled me....took everything I had and shattered it...and then, it taught me not to take a single moment for granted. No regrets. I'd go through this every single day of my life to have had him at all....and that, my friends, is love.....so maybe, just maybe.....I'm not so stuck after all.