.Tangibles.

3/7/10

When staring at a bed that feels all too empty, I search for the tangible...something that makes Chris seem just little less far away. I have his cherished baby blanket with traces of his smell that comforts me on the really bad nights...but mostly clothes and shoes and many other tangible things to ground me. Funny though, as much as I search for just the right thing for comfort, it becomes so clear that those aren't the tangibles I desire. Unfortunately, there isn't a hug in a box or a kiss in a jar or his beautiful voice in a drawer....those are only in the deep wells of my heart now....and how I long for them each day.

In the last eight months I have found parts of myself I never knew. This loss has forced me to dig deeper than ever before...in hopes of reaching for the light as the days go on. On this journey I have found that most of the possessions I have are just things....they won't hold me in the middle of the night when I cry and they won't rejoice in my triumphs...they are just things....but they're my things and somehow I find myself tied to them....even though I know I cannot take these things with me. I know it firsthand as I sift through possessions that Chris loved and cherished....and still, I want to hold on just a bit longer.

When I began to put Chris' clothes away, I got many suggestions for where to donate or sell his clothes. somehow none of them sat well with me. While I don't doubt that there are many people who would benefit, it just wasn't okay for my heart....and then, my beautiful friend suggested a quilt. Immediately the idea spoke to me and my heart got this peaceful calm. No, it's not a hug or a kiss or a steady hand...but it's Chris...and the idea of wrapping myself in him brings more peace to my soul than I could ever fully express in words. It will keep me warm and bear witness to many of my dreams, triumphs, and will likely also be stained with tears from defeat and pain...just as our love was a constant, so this will become that for me. It's amazing really. One minute, I stared at this closet full of clothes and memories and felt nothing but loss and confusion and in the next, it became so clear that this is the next best thing to the tangibles I no longer have.

It is impossible to imagine what life would be like without the ones who love you and who you love so deeply...I could never expect that of anyone....but I do hope you linger a little longer and get angry less quickly and dig deep in your love and relationships. I am thankful every day to have the cards and the letters and the knowledge that our marriage was solid, strong, and amazing....somehow, it makes the process just a little easier....because that's the thing about love--it doesn't matter who you are or where you are--if you have it, you know it and it will stay with you...and if you don't have it--you know that too, and it, too, will stay with you just the same.

Love, much like Chris, I cannot touch but I can feel it....and it feels like the warm sun on a summer day...or it feels like your first ice cream cone that you can remember....and sometimes it hurts....like the first time you skinned your knee....or the first time you really got your heart broken, I mean really broken.......but still, I believe in it....just like I believe one day I will hug him again.

The true irony is that of all the things we buy that we can't take with us--the things we cannot see or touch--faith, hope, and love--are the very things that cross all borders, countries, continents, and earthly places.....and they are the very things we miss the most when they are gone.