.Seven Months.

1/24/09

There is a definite difference between getting through the first six months and then realizing you thought you got over the first real hump, only to find another mountain to climb. The weeks between six and seven have been a challenge for me.

At this point, I've decided it's time for me to really find my purpose in life again...except that, nothing feels the same as it once did. The joy I could once experience is not the same level as what I consider it to be now....things still feel flat...and no matter how hard I try, that flat feeling seems impossible to get rid of. Putting the life back in my living is much harder than I ever anticipated.

There is also a point in there you begin to realize that you've made it this far....and done so much so you know you can do it for the next month or year....but it doesn't change that your bed is still empty, your best friend is still gone, and you have to accept it and keep moving forward. If you're not moving forward and you're not moving backward and you're just hanging in there, you're not moving...and while that's okay sometimes, mostly I need to keep moving before the sadness sinks in too far....before the missing him takes over that we had the most wonderful life and marriage and I'd never trade it for the world.

For me, it's also allowed me to visit those really dark days and begin to put them in a box in my heart so the good memories we have are soon all I choose to remember. It is important to deal with the ugly days but I don't need to go there often and what I do need is our memories...and all of yours...i need to hear them so I smile and laugh...and I don't know a single person who doesn't need to smile and laugh too.

These last 4 weeks have been a roller coaster.....and I've only truly been on one my whole life-and completely on accident. Chris and I were at Universal studios and decided the mummy ride sounded fun until we were more than half way through the line and saw the sign that said: Pregnant women should not ride the roller coaster. We both looked at each other in fear and realized it was too late to turn back so we did it...held hands the whole time...and loved it.

There are many feelings on a roller coaster. Of course, the pit falls, but you know that flippity feeling in your stomach that everyone loves after going over a hill too fast....and the fear but the awesomeness of it all. Sometimes I have those feelings every day and sometimes I have the fear for long spurts...but mostly, I try to remember the best parts of our life and of my wonderful Chris....so that I never ever forget that flippity feeling and if I do....it doesn't stay away for long...so I don't forget the awesomeness of it all and that I am truly blessed to have had it for as long as I did....but most importantly...when I'm scared and in the thick of it and I can't just turn back-there he is holding my hand until the worst is over and I can find the joy again