.I Wish.

1. I wish this wasn't my life most days...and then, when I realize it is, I wish I could give everything up to have Chris back...but life doesn't come with a return or exchange policy.

2. I wish you wouldn't look at me like I'm going to break....or with pity. I may be fragile some days but I won't shatter if you talk about Chris or share memories. Those are the very things that help me to know he will never be forgotten.

3. I wish you knew that my tears are the only outward expression I have of the hurt in my heart. If you see them, don't be afraid...a good cry is healing.

4. I wish there was an instruction manual for how to grieve...and I wish more people were interested in truly knowing what it feels like. This way, maybe you could understand for just a moment what I have gone through every day for the last nearly 7 months.

5. I wish people understood that my situation is rare and from the wise words of another survivor, being a young widow is not contagious. I still need you...all of you.

6. I wish people understood I'm still just as present for you now as I was then, in the same capacity...just maybe with a bit more life experience. I'm still your friend. I'm still your family. I still want to hear your triumphs and defeats. I still want to hear your joys and sorrows. I still want you to lean on me. I need that too.

7. I wish for all of you, that you never forget my amazing husband...and that you still feel him. When I'm scared, I close my eyes and imagine him here and what he'd say and how his hug would feel...and he feels close.

8. I wish you wouldn't expect me to be "healed" and that you'd understand that just because 6 and a half months have passed doesn't mean it hurts any less somedays....it just means I'm learning to cope.

9. I wish you could know that I don't expect, right now, to fully recover anytime. I will forever be affected by this loss...and while it will get easier someday...it will never go away. never.

10. I wish you could know how hard I try every day. Getting out of bed in the morning is big sometimes. I'm making the best decisions for myself and what is left of our life. I'm not perfect and I will never pretend to be but I wish you could trust that I know what I'm doing and I would never be careless about what is left of our life.

11. I wish there was a way to describe everything I feel each day. How exhausting this hurt is....how tired I feel...how numb I still feel sometimes...how cold and flat life seems.You must hurt before you can heal-and while some days are filled with laughter and smiles...I miss the joy that once wrapped itself around me like a blanket...and the love that filled our home. I wish you could understand how hard it is to come home to an empty house when it was never my choice to begin with.

12. I wish you could just physically be here. sometimes that's all I need. I don't need any advice or anyone to tell me how it's going to get better or that he's still here or everything happens for a reason...I just physically need someone here to let me cry and to agree that yep, this really sucks.

13. I wish I didn't always have to be so strong...for myself...just to get through the minutes and the hours and the days.

14. I wish I could see with clarity each day, the light at the end of the tunnel but on the days that I can't....I know God holds me and Chris has me tightly to his heart. I wish you could know the peace that comes from that, too.

I hope for your patience and understanding during this process...I am never going to be able to be the same person I once was....but I will begin to feel that my heart will not be as broken as it is right now again sometime. This wound is still fresh....and it's a long journey. Many have come and many have left. Many have stayed...and I am so thankful for those who surround me with love and prayers each and every day.

People still ask me what I need....Understanding. Love. Prayers. Hope. Patience.....and always, a hug