.Six Months.

Soooo, my six months is a day late...for obvious reasons. It has been quite difficult the last few days. The holiday season is harder than I could have ever expected. I'm not sure if it's that most everyone seems so much happier or that some of them seem so much grinchier that is the hardest part...either way, I feel like I'm floating somewhere between them both. Reminding myself of my many blessings and still feeling such loss...it's this multitude of feelings and each of them visits at a different time. I've had moments of sheer joy, complete sadness, feelings of hope, despair, anger, jealousy, love, hurt, and brokenness just to name a few. They come at different times and different moments...today I found myself overwhelmed at the fact that I woke up alone. That's when I just decided to put one foot in front of the other and see how far it took me.

There is a bit of disappointment that the traditions you always had feel flat and lonely...there weren't any presents under the tree for me this year...at least, not in the same as years past....and while you don't want to spend the holidays alone, there is part of you that just wants to be alone because you know you're not really that much fun to be around. Then, you do everything you can to make the best of it and perhaps make some new traditions and memories that will sustain you and leave you feeling the fullness you once loved again.

I know Chris is here and that his love undoubtedly surrounds our family this holiday season but it's just not the same and nothing in the world can change that. There isn't a single person who can bring me the peace and comfort that he could and, as much as I try, I can't understand when this is going to get easier. Granted, this is a rougher day than most...but I just miss him. I miss everything. I miss how he'd analyze what to get everyone and how he'd write lists on where to go and how much to spend on each person. Chris was one of the most thoughtful people I know and each gift he chose was beautiful and full of love....and still, I know he is always watching and sending the only gift he can this year--one of love, comfort, and peace....even if these days hurt to the very core.

I am grateful for what I have...and am learning now, more than ever, how to take care of myself. People will judge and, unfortunately, I am under a microscope when it comes to decisions I make...but I'm doing the best I can and somehow it has to be enough. No one is perfect and I am certainly far from it but I do everything I can to honor, each day, the love that we shared. I still hear his voice and if I close my eyes I can still feel his hug, and the smell of his hair, and how gently he'd reach for my hand just to say hello.

Some of the hardest days are these...the holidays...and here's the truth--it's never going to change. It's never going to be the same....and that's okay. I accept that, from here on out, it's just different....and now I know what to expect....also knowing it, too, will change as the years go on. Time stops for no one....and somehow, life does go on.