more.

remember how i said my work world would be an escape for me this week....
i think i spoke too soon.

it's been tense here.
and frustrating.
and i'm tired of being stressed.

i work so hard to make everywhere i go feel a bit like family but it doesn't....at least, not in a giant circle. i have my links connected but the other people i work with don't.

i know it has a lot to do with the past. stuff that's happened that you can't let go of or move past.

but there also hasn't been much effort, lately, to move on or be better.
we never affirm each other.
at least, i don't. i don't tell them when they do something really well. because i forget how important it is.
and i take it for granted.
that i work somewhere where i have the ability to have a family.
not everyone has that and not everyone wants that.

but i do.

i want to love the crap out of the people i work with. because i see them more than i see my dogs or my friends or my parents. and i genuinely miss all of those things.

so here i am, frustrated.
because of words people are choosing to use.
and the lack of communication.

i feel like i'm constantly searching for a silver lining when i leave here.....instead of leaving with all of these amazing parts of my day. in the last few days i've struggled getting out of bed and getting myself motivated enough to be here and i haven't had that since i started here. i've loved coming here every single day.

but it's hard to do that when things are tense and it "feels" weird.

no one will talk about it.

but we all know it's happening.

so we ignore it because no one loves confrontation. and no one loves admitting when things aren't right.

but i need my family back. i need my work family to be solid. because i cannot invest in others when they're not invested, too.

i just don't operate that way.

here's hoping we can get back on track and that, the first night of me lenten journey will be full of amazing things that i'm grateful for rather than searching for silver linings and finding leftover joy from things that made my heart happy weeks ago.

there has to be more than this.