trying.

i'm not quite sure where i'm at today.
well, i know where i'm physically sitting right now.
it's my desk.
and it's covered in things to do and finish and more than enough work for a while along with marks from the intermittent tears i've been shedding today.

but, emotionally, i'm feeling drained and a bit sad today. 

you see, i'm one of those wear-your-heart-on-the-outside kinds of people and it's hard for people like me to explain how exhausting that can be. mostly because my brain and heart never turn off. they're conditioned to be available to everyone at any time for anything. it's crazy, i know. someone can't be ALL of that....right?! the fair answer is no....but the real answer is that i try to be. 

and it's the trying that gets to be draining.

but here i am, trying to be something to myself today....the girl in the mirror....and i just can't seem to find the space where that's possible. 

my heart is aching with what ifs.....
what if i never find someone to love again
what if i never have a child of my own
what if i am wasting my days and i don't even know it....
what if those days are shorter than i think....

and what if, right now, i have no idea that something wonderful could happen because i don't fully believe it anymore. what then?

i can't find my hope today.

and i need a cheerleader.

because this week isn't at all what i have been hoping for. and i know that happens. it's life.

you do the best you can and hope that it matters enough someday to look back and feel like you did what you should.

and if you can't....then you just keep trying, right?