brave.

we all have one.

a brave face.

you feel like you're holding your breath while it's on....because if you let it all out....you may just lose it and you've already lost it too much already.

so you fight like hell.....to breathe and own your brave face....and in the back of your mind, you just really hope that your brave face becomes your real face soon. that your heart stops hurting. aching. crying on the inside. and someone or something makes it okay again.

but sometimes it just isn't okay. sometimes it won't be for a little while.

sometimes the answers you seek are not simple.

because i care too much. i love too hard. and when i begin to feel like i'm on my own in all of it, i question everything. right down to the color i painted my toes.

and tonight, while i have been here crying and switching loads of laundry, i am reminded that i've been through much worse. the problem is that those moments seem so far away. it's both a blessing and a curse. it means my heart has healed far more than even i thought i was capable of....and that the "regular" hardships really are real again. they're not easily dismissed by knowing things could be worse and they're not swept under the carpet because i know how bad and hard it was once. they're just right here with me. in all of my makeup-smeared-face glory.

i don't know. i'm pretty uncertain and unsure in this moment.

but i am certain of one thing.

it won't be this way forever.

it can't be.

but, for tonight, i'm going to take comfort in this beautiful disaster and own this brave face until i can't anymore....and, by then, i hope the worst will be over.

thank you, God, for giving me another day. i promise to be more grateful tomorrow.