five.

i'll never forget it.
the words that haunt me.

i was at the funeral home. someone told me that five years from now, i'd be okay.
i didn't believe her. in fact, i thought she was crazy. i couldn't fathom five minutes from now...and now, i really am approaching five years.

i've missed him more than usual lately. i don't know exactly why.

i just know that i miss him.

i've driven through the cemetery more often than i have since he first died. i've been reading his love notes, watching the videos, thumbing through photos, and all together missing his sweet face.

i find myself wondering what he's doing....what we'd be doing if he was still here....talking about him....remembering his habits and the anal things that drove me crazy that i now miss more than anything.

so, tonight, when i changed my profile picture on facebook to an old one of us i couldn't remember the girl staring back at me. i don't know her anymore. i remember she was a little obnoxious and so ridiculously happy......i remember that she was so loved.....and i remember that her heart was so entirely whole....

but i don't remember her anymore. the woman i am now is because of that girl and i know this......but days like today, i really miss her.....because, as more time passes, it's harder to remember.

i have faith that someday it will all make sense.

but that faith is hard to keep some days. and some days it's all it's the only thing that remotely makes sense.

one day at a time. it still rings so true for me.

so today is one of those 'one days' and i'm owning that.

at least, for now.....