trust.

i have a lot to say today. most of it i can't put into words for many reasons and i'm learning that's okay. sometimes you learn that grace is more to do with how you react than the things you do for others. 

so i'm choosing to not react....to not let them steal my joy....and to gracefully keep moving forward. 

not because it's easy.

but because it's the best option. the only scenario that even remotely feels right. 

and i'm fighting for my heart to stay afloat after a couple of rough days.

tonight, though, alaina climbed all over me.....only wanted me to do nearly everything with her...and proved to me that i am loved. it was beautiful and lovely. she so perfectly called for me, needed me and loved on me. kids have a funny way of knowing what you need before you do....and maybe they don't know that you need them as much as they need you. maybe their timing is just perfect. maybe their hearts are so innocent that they can hear yours a mile away. or maybe you stop trying to figure it out and you just become ever so grateful for tiny hands and feet. 

either way, i find myself trying to let go and trust in the journey. the peaks and valleys exist everywhere and in everything. when you're on the upswing, you let go more easily.....but when you're heading into a valley, nearly everything becomes harder to swallow. sometimes you give too much. sometimes you take too much. and sometimes you don't even know if you're giving or taking. sometimes you're just breathing. 

while i'm here breathing, i'm learning i have been on my knees a lot lately. praying. hoping. finding myself. and i guess that's why the journey is so hard sometimes.....you have no idea if you're doing it right....if you're listening enough, being clear about what you need or if you're even on the right track.

so you decide to trust--because, honestly, the other options don't seem that great.

that's it.

the long and the short of it.

i'm finding it in me to gracefully trust in this plan. i have to believe there is one....and that it's good....

because it has to be. 

it just has to.