teddy.

i've had a rough week. if i'm being honest, i don't know if there's been a single day when i haven't cried ... or a day where i haven't wondered what exactly i'm trying to do and accomplish.... or a day where my insides didn't just hurt to the core.

and tonight, as i took the longest and hottest shower that i was able to muster, i just cried....i let my tears fall as the same song played on repeat through that little speaker in the shower head....i decided that it was okay to be sad...and it was okay to melt down.....because i'm human and my heart hurts.

i practiced conversations in my head should anyone ask me where i'm at or what's going on. i even practiced different ones for different people....
and i let myself get angry...
because i'm hurt.
and so incredibly frustrated.

that's the real truth.

as i've been fighting the many feelings in my perimeter, i decided that it was okay to let them crash over me today....

maybe it was the late night at the clinic last night and coming home to my poor puppy with an upset stomach who had an ugly accident and realizing i've been giving so much to so many people who don't necessarily give back to me.

or maybe it was driving home last night, completely emptied of myself.

or maybe it was this morning when it took everything in me to just get out of bed.

or maybe it was when i decided it was okay to make bad food choices because i was sad today. and then beat myself up for them minutes later.

or maybe it was that moment yesterday, the distinct moment, when i realized i may just be a helper and nothing more.

because i am the type of person who needs to feel valued. and wanted. and needed. and i sure haven't felt like that much lately.

it's like jennisa says....i'm teddy....faithful and a bit tattered and torn....and some day you'll just want teddy and not that new sparkly bear.....not because that sparkly bear isn't awesome but because teddy is comfort and strength and a hundred and one other things that just makes your heart feel good.

but teddy's missing his eyes...and has been sewn at least a dozen times....his fur is coming off...and he smells a little.

and sometimes you only see teddy's stitches and missing eyes. you forget the countless hugs and mooches and ways you squeezed him when you put him in a corner the minute the new bear arrived....because sparkly and new seems so much better right now.

and teddy waits. until you pick him up and love on him....maybe it's a day. or a week. and maybe it's even longer. but teddy is faithful and loyal and waits.

it's just the waiting that eats at a person....it's what allows me time to start believing the many things i told myself weren't true. it's that extra time that allows me to over think and feel my heart breaking.

then you stop.

you stop yourself from believing it. for just a minute.

and you just need to hear that it'll be okay. that you'll be okay.

you need a cheerleader. someone to cheer you on while your heart recovers from the bruises. someone to pick you up and hold you and all of your imperfections just long enough for you to feel like you matter and are important.

and you find it in you to try again.

because, like kid president says, some days you'll get ice cream and some days you won't.

sometimes, everyone needs a pep talk...

i think that's the point i'm at.

a pep talk, a hug, and someone to hold me long enough to feel like i am a priority. a factor. important. valued. loved. needed. and wanted.

i just need a glimpse. a moment.

someone to tell me it'll all be okay.

someone to make me believe it.