love letters.

i have had a rough week.
well, that's not true. my heart has had a rough week.

instead of my brave face, i let myself cry the nearly entire drive home tonight...and i didn't fight it....

if i'm being honest, i know that i'm torturing myself by playing our wedding song on repeat but i. miss. him. i say that with every child like whine that i have inside myself which is pathetic and very ridiculous. i know for a fact that i can't kick and scream to get him back....i know it.....but there are distinct moments in my life where i am so frustrated that a man who so loved life isn't here any longer. he had passion. he lived every day with his entire self....he was thoughtful, compassionate, kind, and understanding. he loved to love people and he never ever let an opportunity to tell someone he loved them pass him by. he wasn't outgoing which was perfect for me since i was enough for both of us most of the time....but he was aware of everything and everyone. what they needed and wanted and how he could be there and that for them....it's amazing the way he loved people. he was my very best friend....and if you ask me what i miss the most, it's that. i miss my best friend. the person who knew me better than i ever gave him credit for.....he knew when i needed to laugh, when i needed to cry and when i didn't need a thing at all. i miss him taking out the garbage, planning our meals together, planning our calendar for the month, him shoveling so i didn't have to and a slew of other "every day" things. 

i miss the ordinary. the things that you never knew were going to mean something until they did. 


i know i've moved on in so many ways....and i feel it....my pieces aren't so sharp around the edges anymore and i've done a great deal of work to mend this heart of mine. and then there are weeks like this one when i remember how chris celebrated the shit out of valentines day. how he planned these beautiful moments for me and never thought twice about it. and yes, it's silly that i've held onto those little moments....but they're my details. and i love details.

so, tonight, i am reminded that life is too short. i feel it all too much lately. people die every day. and not everyone lives. 

because i know this, i try to live the length and the width of my days....never knowing when an adventure will come my way and rarely saying no to things that sound like an opportunity to be better, do better, or love better. 

i hope he'd be proud. i hope he'd smile and throw me a sign. i hope he'd be happy with what i've done since he's left. 

so, while i sit with a box of love letters and cards on my lap, i find myself thankful for the few tangible things i have left.....words written by his hands, a quilt made out of his favorite tee shirts, videos with his voice, and photos.....so many pictures....each with a story. 

i was the lucky one. what a beautiful example he gave me when he chose me to love. what a beautiful dream come true. it may not have lasted very long but it was worth every minute....every heartache...and every beautiful and hard moment. i wouldn't trade it for anything....i only wish it could have lasted longer.