.Maybe.....Maybe Not.

It's been a while since my heart felt compelled to write. Truth is, I've spread myself a bit thinner than I would like and I'm trying to find the balance again. Trying, at least, to carve out some time for myself among the time for everyone and everything else I've committed too. It's been a challenge and a blessing all at the same time.

I have been more aware of my surroundings lately, especially with the holidays upon us. Thanksgiving this year was harder than last, for a number of reasons I'm sure....but somehow, they don't really matter except that my heart hurts and notices now, more than ever, the emptiness that still lingers. Things feel less joyful than ever before and while I have a desire to break out the Christmas tree this year, the act of taking it out of the box and putting the ornaments on it seem treacherous. I planned to put lights outside this year but I've yet to get them down from storage and am still searching for the motivation to tackle them....and maybe it's baby steps--one thing at a time....maybe the tree and the interior is enough for this year, maybe it's a step to redecorating the interior of my own heart while I'm at it. Maybe. And maybe it's just one of those things that will come over me and I will do out of the blue. Maybe.

Life is made up of a whole lot of maybes. I think it's why people are so scared of commitment. Maybe it won't work. Maybe it won't be what I was hoping for. Maybe it'll be too much of a good thing. Maybe I'm not ready. Maybe I don't deserve it. Maybe if we stopped over thinking it and committed to what makes us happy then maybe we'd get the maybe that made all the difference. Believe me, I know that's a lot of 'maybe's' but I often wonder if I'm the only one who thinks about....I wonder if I'm the only girl in the universe who doesn't wonder how some people are so blissfully happy while others are so miserably unhappy. I'd love a balance of both.....maybe it's even myself who says maybe too much.....or maybe my over-committing is my downfall. I will say yes to just about anyone for just about anything. See, there's a fine line for both--saying yes too much and then saying no entirely too much too. There must be a balance I haven't achieved yet. I continually try to find it but I've got some work to do.

For now, though, I'll work on a few less maybes and a few more definites....even if it just one more no that gives me five extra minutes a day....it's five minutes that I will surely take.