.Just Another Day.

The hard days still come....the days when I miss being someone's and when I miss the content feeling of comfortable happiness. I wish I could say I was immune by now but even thinking that is foolish and idealistic. Life doesn't hand you experience without the pain. I guess that's why, even now, it still burns when I get too close to the flame. 

Life goes on....it's true. Time never stopped for me as much as I begged it to some days....but it has given me a pace in which I am able to keep up most of the time....except for days like today when I found myself at the bank, troubleshooting a check made out to my husband a year and a half later, that I didn't expect. The worst is explaining it all from the beginning to people who didn't know our story....just the sad ending. I, of course, didn't have time to explain to the woman from the state that our life was filled with love and joy and that his smile made my heart beat faster and that he would text me throughout the day, every day, to let me know how I loved I am...and that he was the kindest, gentlest man you'd ever meet....that he took care of me and tried harder than anyone else I've ever known. No, I didn't get to explain that to her, or the member services representative who asked me a million questions on why I never became personal representative. I never had to...and in the midst of a funeral and putting my life back together at 24, it never became a priority.

But it happens, at the most unexpected moments....and you do the best you can to wait until you get to the car to cry or you put your brave face on until you're in the comfort of people who love you where you can break down and they will still understand. 

I still see him....his curly hair and freckles. I remember his cold nose as he'd kiss me goodbye after blowing out our driveway. He told me that every morning he prayed to God to protect me....his family....and to let him come home each night. I remember the rare chance that I would catch him leaving as he blew a kiss goodbye and how we often wished we could spend these snowy, cold, blustery days curled up in bed together....when we both knew we'd find ourselves quite bored by 10:30 and would be up doing other things. I still remember his hands--they were always a bit dry, especially in the winter....but they always reached for mine. 

It's great to remember but with the remembering comes the harsh jab of loneliness....and, for me, the loneliness often brings tears....but I think that's okay....means I'm human....that I have a heart that feels the highest highs and lowest lows at any given moment....and that I'm real....I have bad days just like everyone else. But I'm a little bit stronger for it....and sometimes, the best thing about experience is about knowing when to call it a night and hope that tomorrow will be better.