.Eighteen Months.

Time is relative. Today is Christmas Eve, 18 months after I lost the love the life, and I am now approaching my second Christmas without him. It doesn't feel that long....in fact, it barely feels like this should be my second Christmas without him. And here I am, missing the person who made every part of my life better and it is difficult not to cry....but that is all part of the process. That's what they will tell you at least. I remember asking when this gets better.....and everyone says in time....but there are still these hard days that will always exist. 

Time has made things a bit easier....I don't cry every day but I think of him every single day. Now I think of the memories we have instead of the time we've lost but there are still days like today, when he would have been 30, and I reflect on the life we might have had by now....maybe a baby or maybe planning our third anniversary trip or maybe another cozy year as just us. Either way, we would have had something....anything....and it would have filled our hearts with joy. I try not to let myself go down that path all too often, only because it is difficult to consider all the plans we had made actually happening. So, yes, time has made things a bit easier but it never takes away the pain....it just puts it in a different place.

As I've watched myself change in the last 18 months, I've learned that emotions are difficult to control and grief never stops--it just changes direction. I am far less angry now than I was then but I still have days when I find myself arguing with God about how unfair it is....funny thing is that He knows it's unfair, but He trusted me with this because He needed our beautiful Christopher....and while I've accepted that this is my life now and part of me, I still struggle with the "why" and the "when will I see him again" part. All the selfish things that I think might bring me comfort and closure but I have no guarantees of that either. I have right here and right now....and that's all I know for sure....that he loved me with his whole heart and that every night when we'd stay up into the early hours of the morning, knowing we both had to work the next morning, but just deep in conversation that our marriage was built on the grounds of honesty, communication, and trust....and what a beautiful gift that is.

So, yes, today you might find tears running down my face but it's just a side effect of loving someone so much that I miss him more than I could put into words. 

But know this, above all else, I am in the best place I've been in a very long time.....my heart has come a long way from the many shattered pieces that once laid in chaos on the floor. I have let my heart open again to absolutely everything....I laugh and I have a heart full of hope that there are going to be even better moments coming for me....and I'm ready for all of that....but, for today, I'm going to miss him, think about him, remember him, and love him....because, there isn't another place in the world that my heart would be today...and that, my friends, is enough....it's just enough.