the other day, i was giving advice to a friend when i said, "if i had known my husband was going to die, you better believe there would've been a lot of things i would have said when i had the chance"
those words...my words...have haunted me since. there is so much i need and want to say, some of it heavy and other parts not at all....some people who i feel like i have unfinished business with and others who have no idea what lies on my heart....but here i am, feeling those very words--even days later.
that's the funny thing about time.....you think you have it. you think you've got enough time to get your ducks in a row and make right all of the things that seem out of place. and just as i've aligned the proverbial ducks, i realized that they weren't mine anyway. that all the control i think i have, i don't. the One who loves me more than anything in the world is constantly shifting and rearranging my life and the people in it. which leads me to the next powerful thought....
nothing, and i mean nothing, is coincidence.
it is not coincidence at all that i have been plagued by "random happenings" involving one certain mister. because they're not random. regardless of what it all means, these signs find me and while i have spent months trying to figure them out, i still have no idea what they all mean. all i know is that as i sit in the very coffee shop where i gave a piece of my heart away on that coffee date, i am reminded that it was necessary and purposeful. EVEN WHEN, i have absolutely no idea what the lesson was. even as i wonder what it is that i am supposed to do with all of these signs. literally, never ending signs.
but, if i'm being really honest, i'm finding that my heart is just heavy lately. that i need to let things go for the mere fact that i cannot carry it around anymore.
i find that while i am not most people's first choice, i am a great choice. my heart is open and ready....but i cannot carry the guilt of failed relationships with me. they didn't work out because they weren't supposed to. it wasn't because i wasn't enough. it wasn't my fault....it just wasn't in the cards so all of these dates and relationships that seemed like a waste of time weren't....they just weren't meant to be.
i was married. my husband died. it is not contagious and it does not make me breakable. i must care less about the people who still try to pity my journey. that, too, was written in my cards. it was not a punishment....it was awful...but if it was meant to punish me it would have happened to just me. i wear the word widow with poise and grace....because i can't have it any other way.....because i can not change the course....because, lost or not, i own this part of my life just as i own the rest....and, contrary to people who cannot understand, it does not define who i am. it just a part of who i am. i am certain i would not be the person i am if it hadn't happened but i don't know who i would be without it....it's all i know now. it's my life...and that's all there is to it so i have to stop caring about other people's stance on it. no one can tell you how to grieve. no one can tell you how to let go. and absolutely no one can tell you if you're doing it right.
here's another life lesson.
your job will not keep you company at night.
that's right....my business and my career won't bring me soup when i'm sick and they won't pick me up after i've fallen so you better believe that my friendships are sacred and cherished....i refuse to ever let my jobs take priority over people. it's easy for me to get caught up in it....but it's not okay....and it's not what i need. ever. so yes, it is even okay and GOOD for me to take time off. because of this, i refuse to feel bad when i'm not at the clinic or when i'm not editing or shooting. i refuse. i am learning to say no and that means i have to stop feeling bad about it.
i also feel the giant need to get this off my chest. dear scott, last week's date was awful. aside from the fact that you were insensitive, inconsiderate and the entire evening felt like a scene out of a bad movie (maybe the one we saw?), it was just not what i needed. soooooooo, i told you this and you don't get it. i can empathize but i'd rather that we just call a spade a spade...you weren't what i needed and i'm certain i can't be what you need. and you know what, i'm not settling. i realize i'm no heidi klum, but i do want to be happy and the happy train did not lead me to you.
i have always considered myself open and honest but i'm realizing i need to be more honest with other people. i need to be open about what i'm feeling when i'm feeling it and worry less about everyone else's opinion.
because, if i have the chance to say it i should.
if i have a chance to take, i should take it.
and if i have the chance to be happy, i should grab it.
so, it's true.....if i had known my husband was going to die, i would've told him a lot of things. but i didn't know. so here's my chance....to live from my gut and less from the place in my head. to just go for things without fear. to put myself out there, say things that i should have said a long time ago, and--mostly--to just breathe through it.
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