.Thankful.

A lot of my dreams have changed in a year....well, most of them had to. I fought it for a while, trying to convince myself that God would miraculously give me our child, that I could still have the same 2.5 kids and white picket fence with Chris, that I could do it all on my own without help--but I couldn't and I can't....and God loved me enough to let me dream it for a while and then helped me to accept what my new reality is.

The permanence of this loss is different than any other. Many of us will go through the grief process for different losses--divorce, break ups, death of a parent or grandparent, friend, or sibling, loss of job, and the list goes on and on. Most death occurs when the person is older or suffering--it is quite rare that a 24 year old woman should lose her 28 year old husband due to an asthma condition that was well controlled....but it happens, I'm living proof....and when it happens, well--no one can prepare you for the many losses that come with losing your husband, child, brother, cousin, or best friend when he's only 28. Not only do you lose the person but you lose the dreams and life you just got done preparing for. We had been married just 14 months.....but it was long enough to have made dreams, cemented plans, and given ourselves a permanent address--well, one that would last at least 30 years....and in the matter of, literally 17 minutes, I learned how quickly those plans can change.

Life can change in an instant....I guess that's why I've learned not to get so caught up in 5 year plans....rarely does it ever happen the way we want or expect--all we can guarantee is the now and how we choose to live our love right this minute. Some people call it impulsive--others call it embracing the moment--but no matter what name you give it, this can only happen after you accept where you've been and fully release all control....only then will you feel the peace and calm of comfort wash over you.

It took me a long time to accept that my journey, though it is made of plenty of decisions, is in the hands of someone much greater and bigger than me. I'd love to tell you that because I did this specific thing I got here. It is with grace and love that I am here, able to share with you the ups and downs of a year of rebuilding. I would be foolish not to acknowledge the power of God on this journey. My faith has literally been the base of my new foundation--it was the only cement I had to build on and it was my only constant 24 hours a day....7 days a week....and it helped me to build the walls of myself again.....believe me, this house could certainly crumble again but I'm fairly confident it can't be much worse than where I've been--and that is such a huge lesson I've learned. Sure, there are bad things that still happen to me-I am not immune--but nothing has been as bad as that day a year ago when I learned I was really working with a house of cards and all it took was one gigantic huff and puff for it to fall.

So, bring on the bad days when they have to come, because, God knows, that's nowhere near my worst....and then, let every prayer I whisper come with thanksgiving for that very same reason.