.The Ugly Nights.

I don't feel him lately...at least, not the way I used to. They say this is part of the transition--part of moving on....but it doesn't mean I have to like it. I know, in my heart, that he is here....but I fear I am forgetting....the sound of his voice, the depth of his laugh, the strength in his loving arms, the very things that made Chris who he was. It has always been my biggest fear that I might forget.......so now, how do I go about remembering?

I'm not quite sure--pictures......movies........cards......books.....distractions.....songs....a million and one ways to remind me that he's gone.....and then a good, hard, deep cry.....one that washes over me so that I can feel something, anything....just long enough to remind me that I'm still here....and he's not.

I haven't been this very low in a while....I've been fortunate enough to watch people I love so much find their own true loves--some of them in their new beginnings, others about to get married, and others finding their comfortable place in each other....all of them experiencing the joys of "together" and here I sit, missing mine each and every day wondering if I will ever find "together" again. Will I always be the third wheel? The one that people feel obligated to invite because, well, it would be rude not to.....and the friend you want to find someone for but since you're out of the dating scene that becomes increasingly harder. I'm assured I won't be "that friend" but it's hard not to wonder....what if it happens without you realizing it....and I become, forever, the third, fifth, seventh, or ninth wheel on this crazy road of life....or worse, will I become the flat tire....

These, my friends, are my insecurities. They creep in when I am least expecting it and they hold me tightly in their grasp until I get through this rough patch. This is as real as it gets.....an ugly real....that I face each and every day--it's just whether or not I'm strong enough to push them away or drained enough to let them in. Each day is different.....and while I am pretty good at staying strong.....these days come and let me tell you, it's a long way down....and it's pretty lonely. It makes me thankful for the good days.....but so very aware of the loss.

So, here I sit, searching for just the right song to ease this ache in my heart tonight....flipping through my music library hoping that the right one will stick out at me long enough to get me through the tears and hopefully, on to a better tomorrow....but I've been flipping for a while....shuffling.....changing artists....going from piano to guitar....up tempo to slow.....and here I sit, unsuccessful..........Still searching.....always searching.