The lonliness has been suffocating lately. I am very independant but I so miss the companionship of someone else. The one who just gets you....knows you so well....and holds you closer than anyone else because they care more than anyone in the world about you....your feelings...and your happiness. Ahhh, comfortable.
I crave comfortable. I miss it with my whole heart. I now have just memories of that feeling...the one that put me at ease in the matter of moments, comforted me on my worst days, and pushed me to keep on going when I just didn't want to anymore. People tell me all the time that I will have it again but how can they be so sure? How can anyone know what will come for me....sometimes I think it's just what people say to try to make me feel better....but all the reassuring in the world really just doesn't. I can't replicate comfortable....and it won't come for me in the same way ever again....that's comforting and sad all at the same time. Comforting because no one will ever be Chris....but sad because what if I never have the best comfortable again.
No one is ever happy all the time....we all have bumps in the road. I know about all of this. I just feel like I'm forgetting what "happy" felt like. Sure, it's different for everyone....but it's been in such a haze for me. I just don't remember lately. Sure, I'm good....at a decent spot in life....but happy? Hardly. I'm confident in myself and my own independance--I know I can make it on my own.....it's just that it's such a long trip alone.
I know I need to be thankful for what I had. I'm trying. So hard. I just really don't want to. For tonight, I don't want to be strong. I want to cry....a hard, deep, cathartic cry....and I want to be sad.....and angry....and lonely.....and I don't want to have to explain it. I just want to let my guard down long enough to feel it in the depths of my heart.....but not so long that I lose all hope.
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