.Five Months.

11/24/09

Can it really be five months already? Yes, the calendar certainly is set to the right day so it must be. This time of the year is becoming increasingly harder as the days keep going. Time truly stops for no one and as much as I dread this holiday season, I'm trying my best to take it as it comes because it is, undoubtedly, coming.

You know, there have been some pretty okay days lately...but then when the rough ones come, it seems to hit full force. It's hard to find a balance. I've definitely found myself craving more time with people lately and my dislike for being alone...with the winter here, and everything cold and dreary it is difficult to spend it by myself...but I try. I always try.

The holidays seem impossible, even now, with Thanksgiving only two days away. For the first time in 4 years, I will wake up alone on one of my most favorite holidays. I'm trying to be thankful...for the time I had, for what I still have, and for the great things ahead even though I don't know what they are yet...but, even when I try my hardest, it is hard not to feel empty. The person I shared my joys and reasons to be thankful is not going to be here this year...and there is a piece of the holiday spirit I always had that just feels flat and lifeless.

One day at a time. That's all you can do...is take it slowly and never let yourself get too far ahead--something I'm really working on. There will always need to be some plans...tentative mostly...a game plan of sorts...but I'm trying not to overbook myself too soon and I'm learning it's okay to back away when I need to...even if it means I leave early or I take some time for myself.

There isn't a rulebook for life when something like this happens...it just does...and there are people to help you, people to guide you in a direction, and still, sometimes you just have to do what's right for yourself...even if it means that you make some people upset...those who love you will truly understand...this I have learned, and relied on, whole heartedly.

So, what does this all mean? It means sometimes five months feels like five days and other times like five years...it means I still struggle every day to make the best decisions for myself and for what is left of our life...it means I pray--a lot--and ask for guidance and help along the way....it means that I am doing the best I can with what I've got...it means I still have days where I want to give up--but I still have hope, too...and it means that, as hard as these holidays are--I am still thankful...

*For my family and friends who have given more of themselves to me than ever before and I am so thankful for them
*For a job where my coworkers and boss understand and hold me up when I don't know if I'll make it through the day
*For my furry family who greet me with more love than most people can offer--and always curl up with me after a long, hard day
*For yesterday, 5 months ago, when I spent an evening relaxing with my husband and a kiss goodnight
*For a million yesterdays that were filled with more joy and love than most people have in their entire life, all because he chose me to be his wife.
*For a brief but wonderful marriage....we certainly weren't perfect but we never gave up on each other or us....it has made me thankful for a love that endures
*For knowing now, truly who and what I have...you don't know what you have until it's gone.
*For people I have met through this loss...who go through the same things I do each day and refuse to give up...their strength fills my heart again and I am so thankful
*For the people who came unexpectedly and changed my life.
*For days off
*For our beautiful home that slowly, is beginning to feel like home again
*For our dreams...they give me hope that someday I will again dream big.
*For my faith....I have truly clung to it tightly and God has always answered...while it may not always be what I want, I am trying to accept what I have and know He has a plan for me
*For hope....because, at the end of the day, it's what makes me want to get up tomorrow and try again.