.Hi Monkey.

7/13/09

hi monkey,
i miss you. i love you. those are the two most important things. it's been nearly 3 weeks, but it feels like just yesterday. tonight i'm here unwinding from the day. i went grocery shopping--and i took a list--i know you'd be proud. luckily, nicole went with me. it got me down the aisles and kept my mind off our normal routine. it definitely helped. jill and i went to dinner. i don't know what i'd do without her to be honest. i know you always knew she'd take care of me but i never thought it would be like this. jon is on vacation this week...the house is pretty empty as it is and then to have him gone is hard but i'm doing my best. i know it had to happen some time.

your birthday was just 2 days ago. wow. that was a rough day. amanda was with me for most of it and then jill. they're the best. i hope you had a wonderful birthday in Heaven but i'm sure you did. i'm sure everything is beautiful there. what's it like? what's your favorite part? i bet there is the most beautiful music there. i went to the races on saturday night. i know that's where you would be--you had been talking about it for months. it was hard but most things are lately.

your family...our family...has been amazing. greg keeps fixing things that break or helping me find my water meters...your parents check in all the time....my parents are here helping me with everything. i couldn't keep going without all of them.

our friends have been pretty wonderful. there are a couple who haven't but i know you know that. i know you can see the hurt that i have from that and i pray that you help give me the strength i need to keep on moving.

work is hard....but i keep remembering that you would want me to try my best every day.

everything reminds me of you. everything.

i hope you can hear me when i talk to you...it's frustrating that i can't hear you talk back. i have so many questions...mostly, why. i know you hear me ask. i just need to let it out i guess. you were always the best listener....you still are.

church is the hardest place to go. it was our thing...but somehow i find the strength every sunday to go and there is a calmness and peace that comes from grace that i never fully understood before. while it's hard, it helps and that's what i need right now.

i never realized how much you did for us. i'm getting sick of taking out the garbage and doing the laundry. i hated those things more than anything which is why you always did them.

there isn't a day that goes by that i don't ask God to bring you back or that i don't cry down to the very depth of my core. i feel needy right now but know it's ok. i need my friends and family so much right now....and they're willing so i'm leaning on them as much as i can...

just remember i love you. i still listen to your voicemail every day and i still smell your blanket every day and i miss you every minute of every day. i know you're with me a lot....but i'm not the only one that needs you so make sure you are with them too. today was a hard day but it would be harder if i had never even had you at all.....

love always,
your tickles