.Thoughts.

9/16/09


There is an art, I believe, in learning to let go. In consciously, deeply, and fully, letting go. I fear I am not very good at this...that, often, I hold on too long and, along the way...end up hurting myself more than it's worth.

Losing Chris has forced me to figure myself out all over again. Forced me to look at the burdens I've carried for far too long and then, again, to wonder why I just haven't let go. Chris was never angry for long and taught me much about kindness, patience, and love. I'd often go to him with big problems, small problems, anything in between, and we'd stay awake talking about everything...sometimes until the very early morning. I hate that he is no longer here to be my sounding board and to give me the best advice...to ground me. I remember a lot of what he'd say and, at times, I still feel his embrace. I just wish I would have him here where I could see him and hear him and not feel like he's so very far away.

I fully recognize Chris was not this person for just me....that he has family and friends who also need him and wish he was here. I try so hard to balance how I feel with what the people in our life are also dealing with and sometimes it feels like I do a terrible job. I wonder if I say the right things or if what I say sounds selfish. I pray every day for the courage to think about how things impact others before I jump to conclusions. I wish I could say I was always highly successful at this....but I'm still learning.

I think, every day, about the things we did and our friends and our family and all of the things we did with them. I miss those moments. I miss being Chris and Olivia instead of just Olivia. I keep taking baby steps at moving forward with honoring his memory and still just moving forward...even if it is only an inch at a time.

I struggle every day with knowing I didn't have a choice....and that this emptiness haunts me every minute of every day. No matter how hard I try, it always creeps back in and there is no way to escape the very loneliness that greets me with an empty half of the bed...and clothes that sit unworn...and shoes that remain right where he left them...things untouched for now--until I can find the strength to move them.

I miss him. I'm still so in love with him...and I wonder how that can ever change...how do you ever put those feelings away or how do you fall out. How do you make room in your heart for just yourself...without your half. I wish I had the answers...to ease the hurt....even if only for a moment.