.Blizzard.

12/8/09

The weather is just plain nasty tonight....and plans to be tomorrow as well. The first big snow storm of the season...probably more of a headache for most people but for me...I remember last year at this time when my wonderful husband was so proud we purchased our snow blower just days before the first big one was to hit.

He woke up earlier than I did for work and always around 430 to dig us out...he bundled up and while he didn't really love the chore of shoveling and digging us out-he did it proudly because he was happy to take care of me and our family...proud to be a good husband. Those moments are so clear in my mind and it brings tears to my eyes as I now have to take on both roles to take care of our family.

Just yesterday, I felt like I had a million things to do and yet I didn't have enough arms and legs to take care of it all....and I got flustered and Chris was always here to ground me. I miss that so much. I'm so mad he isn't here to help me. He always picked up where I left off and I never had to worry about it--I never even thought of it. He always knew my next step...my next thought...my entire self-inside and out.

What do you do when your best attempt always seems to fall short...what then.

It is difficult to not be disappointed that you can't just do it all and take it all in stride. It is difficult to want the one thing you can never have again and yet still be so thankful you had it at all. It is difficult to face each day without Chris. It is difficult to call myself a widow. It is difficult to breathe sometimes. It is difficult to keep hoping and dreaming when sometimes all you feel is a darkness you've never fully known until you didn't have a choice. It is difficult not to wonder how or why this has happened....and it is difficult to know the answers you seek will not be given in a clear manner in this world.

Sometimes there are just hard days...and there is no way avoiding it. No matter what you do, nothing can ease the ache and void that lies in your heart....and as much as you try to remember all the amazing parts--sometimes those hurt too. No one can ever know entirely how this feels unless you've been here...it just hurts--it's constant and becomes a part of you...sometimes you feel like you're pretty good but it's always there--just in a different way...and, sometimes, you can look outside and the weather looks like how you feel...like there's a blizzard deep down in your heart.