.Invisible Armor.

11/14/09

without knowing it, sometimes my invisible armor comes out in full force. i am fully aware that it is an act of grace when it appears and i am so thankful to have it when my heart feels more vulnerable than it ever has before. we all possess this....i only started truly embracing it and realizing it in the last few weeks.

there are moments when i feel it envelope me...where it would seem i am standing at guard with my own heart because there are just times when i need to. it is unexplainable. it happens a lot at work...while i know my coworkers would understand if i fell apart, somehow i don't...i go to work, my armor goes up...i'm able to talk about many of the things i go through and feel and while i may seem unaffected, it's just my way of getting through the day. it would be quite difficult to fall apart the first half hour and keep going.

it happens around people i don't know....in the grocery store...around people that i don't feel safe with...while i'm driving and one of those songs comes on...and when i feel like i'm going to cry myself to sleep but i just don't have it in me to do that for another night in a row. until now, i never realized how much i use this armor just to get through the day.

but when i'm home...all bets are off...when im with my friends and family, i know i'm safe...i can be myself--sad, happy, angry, confused, sappy, silly, or mellow without judgment and fear.

the beauty is no one sees this knight standing guard and the only one who feels it is me....and we've all been through things in our lives where our invisible armor comes through. sometimes that's the only way people can relate...knowing, at one time or another, we've all needed grace to step in and protect our owne heart while it hurts. you know this. i know this. in fact, all of us know this feeling. you can't ever truly put it into words...you just know it like the back of your hand.

and, certainly, there are okay days, good days even...and this isn't to say i don't feel anything....i surely do every day...and someday, the hard parts surrounding my heart, will soften....when they're ready.

but, until then, i am ever so thankful for what i know will always be there.