.Imagine.

7/29/09

Just tonight I had someone ask me to describe what I'm going through. The only word I could say is.....indescribable. Then, as I thought about it a few things came to mind. Allow me to digress...

For a moment, close your eyes (after reading) and clear your head...then think of a best friend, partner, brother, sister, mother, father, or anyone who makes your world complete just by being in it....then imagine, for a moment, that you lose this person--the one person who gets you completely and understands your ins and outs and expects nothing, never judges, and always holds on so very tight. Shock. Sadness. Worry. Hurt. Anger. Lonely. Helpless. Hopeless. These are the few things that come to the top of my head.

Then, imagine for a moment, being there for everything, the funeral planning, the funeral itself, the burial, and the moments after and STILL, 5 weeks later, having moments where you forget that this is your life and then when it hits you that it is--it completely levels you.

Imagine not knowing from one moment to the next how your mood will be or what you will feel and then, when it hits you, always at the worst time, you can't even begin to put yourself back together...no matter how hard you try there is always one piece missing.

Imagine that in the middle of all of this sadness there are decisions to be made....people to be informed--people that don't even know you, credit card companies, mortgage companies, among many more--and you have to keep your brave face on long enough to get through the phone calls and the informing.

Imagine people asking you most every day what happened and reliving that moment each day. People wonder why it is difficult to get through a whole day.....people, out of concern, ask questions and seek answers--even for themselves. this makes it hard to keep on putting one foot in front of the other.

Imagine walking into your home that you shared together and seeing your life on the walls and everywhere you turn you are reminded of what is now gone......and while it would seem easiest to take down all the pictures and pack away the clothes, you can't just pack your life away....you can't just let go. as much as you want to sometimes when you reach for that picture to put away, there is something that makes you set it right back down until you have the courage to try again. courage. this is something i never understood fully until now.

Imagine doing your favorite things together by yourself. The world becomes empty and lonely and seemingly lifeless.

Also, though, imagine quiet moments of peace....when you know that person is here and that God is here....and they, together, are holding your heart together until you find the strength to put the pieces back together.

Imagine a sense of comfort and hope that you will someday be ok...not knowing how but that God wouldn't put you through this without good reason.

These are just a few of the things I feel every day. sometimes more sadness than peace and other times more peace than hurt...but each day i feel it. I wear Chris' wedding ring on my thumb...I constantly turn it and look at it, remembering the day I put it on his finger. most of the time it helps me to feel closer to him....other times, i only feel so very far away.

The last few weeks have caused me to take a good but extremely hard look at my life. Priorities. Goals. Dreams. Love. Death. So many things I never imagined encountering. But here I am. I cannot change it....I cannot bring him back, as much as I want to, and I pray every day for strength and acceptance. I find myself leaning on my faith more than ever...leaning on my friends and family....and hoping that between the two of them, they will hold me up for as long as I need.

I pray, each day, that this is only a place you will go in your imagination and that you will never experience the kind of hurt and emptiness and sadness that I encounter every day.....but, if ever there may be a time when you find yourself on this very same road I will be here...

I love you monkey...from here to the moon.