.I Remember.

7/16/09

i remember when i knew you were the one. we were in your room and i was laying on your bed and out of nowhere you looked at me and told me i was your favorite and then asked if you could keep me. i knew then that you were it...no more worrying about how long we'd last, just that we would....forever.

i remember laying awake talking about what would happen if one of us died and i told you that it would it be okay to move on someday and you told me the same but that even though i told you that, you said you never would. i never even considered that conversation would be an option someday. the thought never even crossed my mind.

i remember how you always made me laugh. every day, you'd do something to make me laugh so much i snorted. i think you took great pride in that.

i remember all our vacations and day long excursions. you had such a sense of adventure and i'm so honored to have spent those moments with you.

i remember how long the days felt when we were apart and how appreciative you always were to see me at the end of the day. i wish i would have been more thankful for that. i wish i would have held on a bit tighter then. if only i knew then what i know now.

i remember our first Christmas after we moved in together. figuring out where the tree would go, rearranging our furniture, calling your parents to take our first family Christmas photo. you wore the nautica sweater i got you that you didn't like because it had a turtleneck and that made you feel strange. ha. so many times you wore that sweater because i requested...you are amazing.

i remember birthdays and anniversaries...each one accompanied by a card you hand picked for me weeks, sometimes months, ahead of time. each of them holds a special place in my heart...i'm so glad i saved them all.

i remember our highs and lows and how we always faced them together. you always knew just what to say to make me feel better.

i remember how you'd hold me when there was a thunderstorm....i never liked them, ever since i was a kid. i remember one night i ran under the desk in our house in milwaukee, i think my dad said something about oscar the grouch not being afraid so i shouldn't be....but i am afraid. i'm afraid that i'll forget hwo safe those arms are when there's a storm and you're not here.

i remember the first time i saw you cry...and the first time you really opened up to me...those moments changed us, brought us closer, and cemented the foundation we had been building.

i remember picking out milo. he chose us...just like you chose me. then how we got max and maggie at just 3 weeks and learned how to feed every four hours and how exhausted we were...but we did it together.....and barely a year ago we found our maya. she had your heart before she had mine but quickly i learned the bond that both of you had was something i'll never know. you and her were inseperable when you were laid off. she misses you....so do the cats.....and so do i.

i remember buying our house....when we were writing the offer and i was too scared to sign it and you told me to trust you and you said, i know we can do it, and shoved the paper at me....and it was the best thing we ever did

i remember planning our wedding.....remember when you got mad that i needed to go back to hobby lobby for a different hole punch for invitations. that was probably our dumbest fight...at least that i remember. ha. you wanted to be involved with everything and your hands touched everything we did...

i remember the first time i got mad at you and i yelled and you looked at me and asked me if i was done yet. that we don't need to yell in this relationship...we're adults and can talk. it changed the way we dealt with conflict. sure, we yelled sometimes, but most of the time we always talked it out. i'm so glad you taught me that. you taught me that love doesn't mean belittling someone, it means talking about the problem and moving on....

i remember how you never lived in the past. i love that about you. you are so present in everything. i am trying to do that but some days are harder than others

i remember when you sang to me for the first time....it was beautiful. i remember feeling my heart glow.

i remember RCIA. i don't know how i could have done it without you. i'll never forget staying up late in bed memorizing the hail mary...i was terrible but you encouraged me to keep trying and now i know it like the back of my hand. all the crazy questions i'd ask and you'd give me the best answer you could. you were certainly a man of God and i love that about you.

i remember the moment i told you it was okay to walk away from us....i was not in a good place then and would have completely understood if you did walk away but instead you held me tighter and told me you weren't going anywhere. that was a beautiful day.

i remember the snow on our wedding day....and how i was so nervous and you were holding my hand at the altar telling me it was going to be okay...that it was just us and God--act like no one else is here. you always saw the big picture. thank you for showing it to me, too.

i remember standing at the visitation looking at all the flowers people sent and all the people coming through......then i realized just how loved you are. unfortunately, it takes these moments to find out who your true friends and family are. as hard as that day was and as numb as i felt, i was comforted knowing you were just an arms length away and even though your body was all that was left, i know you were there....holding us all.

i remember the first time you told me you loved me...and the last....just before bed tuesday night. you were sad that i went to lay in bed without you and when you realized i was reading, you came in and we talked about my book and how your new job was. i remember the last kiss before turning in that night. i remember it like it was just yesterday and most days it feels like it was....but i guess the best part is that i remember....and will never forget.