.Breathing.

9/11/09

Time is both my best friend and worst enemy....it is what helps me remember...but, if i have too much time I think too much and, if I don't have enough time, I become exhausted and burnt out. Being away has helped me to regroup in a sense but also brought me a lot of feelings I wasn't expecting.

It is so strange to me to be traveling without Chris. We did so much together and rarely, if ever, went somewhere without the other. The hardest part is to figure out how to unravel yourself from your former self....if that is at all possible. There is this bond and connection that tangles itself in your heart in the best way possible--so tangled that you couldn't even begin to figure out how to seperate it so you don't even try...and here I am, with no choice but to figure it out. To untangle the strings that I never ever wanted to come loose. As much as I double knotted them, God had another plan and I pray every day he would leave me some clue to let me know I'm on the right track and that Chris is still holding my hand along this journey.

While I don't have our belongings in front of me every day, I still have an empty half of the bed...I still fall asleep alone....and wake up alone...I still think of things I want to call him about and instead have to just pray that he hears me when I unload all of the things I am feeling....I still need him every day....I still cry every day....I still sit back and imagine what my first holidays without him will be like-they are coming quickly....I still think that he's on a long vacation and will come home soon-only to be reminded that it's all in my head and I can't keep on hanging on to that hope.....I still have terrible dreams--ones where he came back--and they're awful because they aren't real. And, in all of this, I still have laughter....and some sort of joy each day....I still remember some of the crazy things he did....all the ways he made me laugh...I rediscover every day parts of myself that Chris loved and that I will hold on to because I loved them too....I also find pieces of me that I want to change and let go of...and, at the center of it all, I have hope.

I'm sure angry though...all the hope in the world won't take that away-at least not right now. I'm mad that I'm alone and that I'm even on this journey at all. Believe me, I'd rather be the poorest person in the world and with my best friend than in this place. I'm mad at the people who abandoned me when I needed them the most and I'm mad that I can't figure out which way to go most of the time.

Mostly, though, I'm still sad....but not fragile. You cannot break me by seeing me or talking to me about Chris or about our life...I may cry but that's normal--I miss him. My heart is broken but I'm not the only one in this world with a broken heart. I hate the looks of pity. I want to remember him....I want all of you to remember him. I still want to be that friend that you call for advice and need. I still want you to tell me about your problems--even if they seem small in comparison. I want you know I will not fall apart if you touch me or if you remember him with me. I want you to see that I'm still breathing...still living...still feeling...still loving...and still graciously living out the love that Chris gave me every day.

God gave me this journey because He knows I can handle it....please trust in that...and trust that, while it is so very hard, I am still me-somewhere-and I'm still going to give you everything I can. I still need you to need me as your friend and your family and that will never change.

At the end of the day, I just want you to remember Chris...and us....and know that someday I'm going to smile with my whole heart again....