.My Favorite Thing.

10/16/09

Some people never celebrate Sweetest Day or Valentine's Day or any of those other "Hallmark Holidays" but not me...and not us. Chris celebrated these days....and tomorrow will be my first without him... sometimes I just need to write what I feel.

I hear parents all the time saying, " you can't have that because you were naughty or sassy or you didn't listen" usually followed by the child saying, "BUT IT'S MY FAVORITE THING!!!! YOU JUST CAN'T TAKE IT AWAY" and sometimes the parent gives in and sometimes they still take it away but it's usually not gone forever.....and right now, I'm having a hard time accepting I just can't have MY FAVORITE THING....forever. In my heart, I know I'm not being punished....I'm not the only one who lost him....but it is difficult to accept that when I face an empty bed at night.

Just about this time of night we'd say to each other..."Happy Early Sweetest Day" we'd do that for every holiday and we'd try to beat each other when we woke up to see who'd say it first. ha. Chris was so thoughtful...he remembered most of the things he always feared he'd forget....for the first year of our relationship, I got a card on every "anniversary" date...and randomly they'd show up on my pillow or in my purse throughout our entire relationship. How he'd worry if I spent more on him than he spent on me or when he thought I'd really love something--the anticipation in his eyes as I opened it...while he worried he might have let it slip out and usually, I always had a hint but never knew until the moment I opened it. He tried so hard to pick out something thoughtful...that I'd use...and he'd still get nervous to give me something--hoping I'd love it.

These are the things I try to remember when sadness stares me in the face and the longing sets in.....that not everyone got those cards or those hand picked gifts...no one else had my wonderful husband. While that eases the pain for a little while...my mind often drifts...and as much as I try to remember these wonderful things...I also know that this will not be my last "first holiday without him" Chris was so good at living in the moment...something I try to do, often...and I'm still learning.

There is no doubt that I will still have my sweetheart tomorrow....I just wish so much I could hold him...hear him talk back...hold his hand...and see his heart in his smile.

I just miss him. Every day. Today a bit more than yesterday...and still less than tomorrow.

I love you Chris...from here to the moon.