.Putting It All Out There.

10/6/09

People tell me I'm strong all the time...sometimes I just want to be weak. Sometimes I just want to hibernate for a few days and shut out the world. Sometimes I don't want to be the strong one.

People tell me I'm normal. All the while I feel crazy. My head is full of thoughts and what ifs...clouded with memories--some so vivid and others hard to make sense of.

People offer sympathy and condolences. Selfishly, sometimes I just wish they wouldn't say anything. I know this is how others feel they can help....I know this all in my head but my heart is hurting. I'm sorry is sufficient. It is difficult to console the inconsolable.

People tell me to take time for myself--do something for myself. Well, most of the things I'm used to doing are "together" things...so now I'm searching of something for just me. It seems I search a lot lately. For acceptance and for myself.

People tell me that in 5 years this point in my life will just be a low one. While I know they mean well, I'm not there yet. It is difficult for me to imagine 5 minutes from now...much less 5 years. Right now, this is what I know and while this is not my favorite moment, it's where I'm at. All I know is that in 5 years, Chris won't be here and that's quite difficult to accept.

People have opinions...and they don't mind sharing them. I am one of those people too. ugh. I need to work on that. Truth is, I don't need everyone telling me what they think I should do with my house or my car or my money or our things or where I should live or where I should stay or how I should look or how I should celebrate the holidays or how I can keep his memory alive. You see, these are things I need to do in my own way on my own time. I'm not selling my house because it snows in the winter and it would be too much for just me....I'm not getting rid of his car or mine because they're both functional and there is no need...I'm not spending money foolishly-I'm taking care of things we both wanted to do....I'm not going to pack his things away tomorrow or the next day-these things take time and if you don't want to come to my house and see our life then don't come but I will never ever stop being his wife so please stop asking when I'm going to take down our pictures and pack away his clothes and what I'll do with all his Brewers collectibles and please, don't ask when I'll stop wearing my wedding ring....I'm not leaving Manitowoc for a while--will it ever happen? who knows, but for now, I need to be here....I will do what I need to do to celebrate the holidays this year--I'm not quite sure how it will be but please, let me just get through this year, please....Believe me, I honor Chris' memory every day and just because it may not be broadcasted doesn't mean that his memory won't live on....I will make sure of it...no one will ever ever forget him--so trust me, I will honor him forever

It is easy, from the outside looking in, to judge or offer opinions and ideas on how to get through this but if you haven't been here, you'll never know. It's not like Halloween where you can put on a costume and pretend to be someone else. Forgive me for sounding harsh...it's just not easy for any of us and the best thing you can do is just be here. Listen. Let me cry if I need to. Hug me. Call me just because. Text me if you're thinking of me. These simple things are what make my days a little brighter

It is hard to start over. Every single day is hard. I'm trying....every day....to smile, to laugh, to keep on living instead of just moving. It may not be this way forever...but, for right now, I'm still grieving......but the beauty in the pain is that there is always hope......hope for the rainbow after the very long storm.