Blog....really?

I'm not entirely sure what brought me here...a cathartic need for expression perhaps...a wandering mind...a thought that perhaps this would reach someone who just needed it at the time. Perhaps I could digress about why exactly I'm here....

I'm a widow. And I miss my husband.

He died June 24, 2009 unexpectedly in our home from an asthma attack...28 years old. There I was, screaming at the top of my lungs, calling 911, and watching life as I knew it end before I ever got the chance to say goodbye. I never did get to talk to my wonderful Christopher before he left this earth. It all happened very quickly and right after we woke up that Wednesday morning. The mind is a complex thing...you remember some things and not others. I remember finding him--a picture that sometimes haunts me....but mostly I remember our wonderful love. Our beautiful life and marriage...even if it only lasted 14 months.

I met Chris when I was 18...we were together 6 years before he died. 6 years and 3 days to be exact. He quickly took my heart by surprise and put himself in a permanent place--he was, as I would later describe to my friends, the staying kind. We certainly had our rough patches and he never left...he stayed always by my side--even when I would have completely understood if he decided to go.

Best friends. Confidants. Partners. A Team. Lovers. Dreamers. Faithful. Content. Happy. Those are just some of the things we were....and I miss them every day.

I am able to see a light at the end of the tunnel...how far away it seems varies by the day. This is normal or so they say. Most of the time I feel crazy...again, they say this is normal, too. I think "normal" is such a strange word. Really--isn't normal different for everyone. Who even gets to say what is normal and what isn't--it is an opinion after all, right? Things happen in life and your heart protects you--how it does it is different for everyone...the trauma one goes through when you lose it all in the matter of moments is indescribable. It sucks you in and even you don't know if it will ever let you out...but you have hope...and it lives in the depths of your soul, and it sees you through.

Some of my entries are from the very beginning...there is change in them as the days pass. Time does not stop for me--even when I plead with God to please let me push the pause button...so, for now, this is how I manage to get through the days...