.Four Months.

10/24/09

Four months hit me like a ton of bricks rolling out of bed this morning....it's not like I knew it wasn't coming but when I looked at the date on my phone as I checked the time...it became real that it really has been 1/3 of a year without Chris.

The differences between four months and three months aren't all that different....but the realizations are.

I have begun to realize more that he is not just on vacation and the days when it feels like he's just been on vacation are less and less. I think more about things we did together...and I am able to visualize more, how he looked in the morning just before getting out of bed or writing his lists or how excited he would get about things. I can SEE those memories more, I think, because my heart is finally ready to let me take down my wall just a little bit.

Don't get me wrong...there are still bad, rotten, no-good days....they still meet me on the days when I'm least suspecting...and believe me, I've had them a lot this last week for many different reasons...but I've also had easier days where I smile and laugh and feel like I can see some pieces of the Olivia I once knew and the Olivia Chris loved so much. Those days give me hope...and I think they give most of my friends and family hope....even when I'm facing rock bottom on some really awful days.

The hard realization of who is present and there for you no matter what has also become very clear as more time passes. There are people who have held me, carried me, and loved me in the beginning and now and they are gifts from God. There are unexpected people who have consistently checked in and become really great friends....maybe we hadn't talked in a while--but you are here now and that's what matters...because I'm going to continue to need you. Some people have drifted away...they see me smile or laugh and assume that I'm going to be just fine. Truth is, just because I don't have any visible scars or wounds or bleeding doesn't mean I don't hurt every day.

Missing him seems to be elevated with the coming of the holidays....and the realization that many of our traditions will have to be modified and that I will, undoubtedly, have to make some entirely new ones.

I've also been faced with the fact that the pictures I have are all I will ever have...I was at work, moving some around, changing out some of them...when it hit me that I will not be able to change out any of us with "new ones" and maybe I'll just have to look at some of our old ones as new again.

I wrote our Christmas letter and had our Christmas cards printed already....you see, as time passes, you realize it's ok to modify some things for what you know is coming. They sit neatly ready to be mailed when the time is right...because I don't know that I could do it as the holidays come full force...and it's ok to not know...it's ok to walk blindly sometimes because, even when it doesn't feel like it, you never walk alone.

I've realized time can be my best friend and worst enemy. The more time that passes, the more I miss him some days...but also, the more I can see the light at the end of a seemingly dark tunnel.

I've found that the best medicine most days is Maya, my best friends, and a glass of wine. Other days it's the voicemails that Jack has left me that I save to listen to on rough days...when a child, without a care in the world, loves me just because I'm his Aunt O.

I've realized now, more than ever, what courage is. You never knew how much you had until it stopped becoming an option and instead became a necessity. I participated in a 6 week grief session that ended last week....and as I looked around the room I realized what courage and bravery it took to come, every week, and share those feelings and intimate moments that we wouldn't share outside of this safe place. We could be angry, sad, happy, funny...anything we wanted...without judgment and it was usually followed by responses of love and grace.

So...how will I spend today....much the same way I spend the others. Remembering--even when it's hard....loving my wonderful husband--because he chose me.....honoring him--because he changed me....smiling--because he had the most beautiful smile.....crying if it comes--because it helps me to heal....with some amazing friends--because they love me through the ups and downs....and hoping for the rainbow after the storm.