.Two Months.

8/24/09

Two Months Today.

I felt all different things today. I had comfort this morning, followed by frustration, then anger, sadness, jealousy, and finally, numbness which has stayed with me for much of the evening. I wish I could say that somehow the days are steadily getting easier but truth is I still don't know how it's going to be day to day. I wish I could say that the emptiness is a little less in some moments but it really doesn't ever leave me.

I have found myself smiling and laughing lately and feeling like I'm having fun.....even if it doesn't last for long but I also hate the attachments that my heart sometimes puts on that. If I smile too much or laugh to hard I fear that I may be forgetting instead of embracing the comfort in knowing I haven't completely lost the pieces of me that Chris so loved and cherished...he loved my laugh and my smile. He loved how big my heart is and while it is a bit guarded as of late, I try to still be the giving person I have always been and also do it in ways that will be a true reflection of our love.

Lately I find myself remembering the very things that I always found so silly. From the minute we were married, he loved calling me Mrs. Brey. I always laughed it off and sarcastically called him Mr. Brey...but really, Mr & Mrs was all that mattered--we fit. I often had people ask us how exactly we fit together...we were, in a lot of ways, opposites, but our cores were the same. We shared many of the same passions and had so many of the same dreams and hopes. Sometimes, you just can't explain it. Sometimes it just is.

I never considered myself to be a jealous person but I look at people...my friends, my acquaintances, my patients, and people I just barely know and see their lives moving in the direction mine was heading and wish it was my own life again. Happiness. Family. Unending Love. This jealousy seems to haunt me and I hate it. I hate wanting what I can't have. Not only do I feel like it isn't healthy, it just isn't me....but, for right now....it's going to have to be until I can let it go.

I miss our life so much. I walk in our home and see our dreams and memories in these walls. It hurts down to the very depth of my soul. I often wonder why God picked me for this path and where He is taking me. I ask Him so much....I just want to know that there really is a reason for this pain.

I miss myself. When Chris died...so did I....my heart now must reinvent the half that is missing. The half I so loved and cherished.

I pray for the day when I wake up and realize that I smiled with my whole heart that morning and that, as much as I will always miss and love Chris, that I'll be ok. That I know Chris loved me enough to help me keep on going in this life...that he'd want me to keep on going. But this is hard. I feel like I keep hanging on but I don't know how long my grip will last. How long I can keep on trying.

And here I am...two months later, still hoping, still living, still smiling--even if it isn't much...and still praying...all for the chance to see him again someday.