.Crash.

11/9/09

i had to take my wedding set in tonight for them to check it over...the usual six month check up...and as i went to get the paperwork out of chris' sock drawer, i just wanted to curl up inside this drawer of his socks and take in the way he so neatly put them away and folded them just a certain way.

i watched other couples shopping for rings...how i remember the days when that was us. when, excitedly, chris would ask what i liked and then, when it came down to picking the "one" he was so nervous and shy. 3 years ago this month he purchased this set for me....after much looking and what felt like forever of dating. then, when he proposed....i remember the excitement....i remember staring at it over and over and purposely using my left hand so people would ask to see it....because, that's just how i work. and then, i remember, quietly, while picking out a date, when chris told me not to get caught up in it all...that someday, it would be just us, without plans to be made and things to do...and i remember how content i felt in that moment. i miss how content life felt, even when there were parts of our life that were not quite figured out.

and still, it's not one thing i miss....it's so many things. i miss folding his socks regularly...or, rather, watching him fold them because he usually did the laundry. i miss his laugh. i miss his hugs and kisses. i miss his jokes that sometimes weren't all that funny but he tried. i miss his texts just to say hi and tell me he loves me. i miss his heart. i miss the conversations we'd have about important things and nothing. i miss how full of love our home felt. i miss how he'd have all these worries and he'd come to me to unload and we'd talk for hours. i miss how he loved everyone. i miss how he smells. i miss seeing him rotate his favorite brewer shirts. i miss how he'd take care of me. i miss it all.

and yet, there is this huge part of my heart that is so thankful....that our relationship was filled with the most unconditional love. that we have what most people long for...and we had it for 6 years. sure, we fought...but chris was quick to apologize and rarely got angry. he believed in us from the very beginning and he loved me with his whole heart....and i love him just the same.

there is something that happens when you slowly start realizing it's i and not we....it's mine and not ours...and all the while you try to fight this verbage. they're just words but you don't want to have to say them out loud. i remember when these things really hit me. i was at a friend's house when their sweet daughter Taylor, who met me only after losing Chris, saw a picture of Chris and I on my phone and asked me who he was...and i simply said, someone very special who i love very much...and she smiled at me with the biggest smile and somehow, she made it ok for that first moment of i, me, and mine....because she didn't look at me like i was broken-she cared about me just the same...as just me, just mine, just i.

it is still hard, to be just me....still hard to find my place again....and yet, here i am, living...praying each day that God will help me on this journey...and that, when i get there, that content feeling will crash over me like tidal waves the minute i lay eyes again on my wonderful husband.