.Hi Monkey.

7/31/09

Hi Monkey,

I love you.

Today I realized just how much you've taught me. It came from a gift that we decided to give just a few short months ago. I gave it today....and as I did, a flood of emotions reminded me of all things I've learned from you...

Unconditional love. You loved me without expectation and judgment. I knew that your arms would be the safest I'd ever find. I found them in the middle of the night when I was scared, after a long day, in the moments where I just needed those arms to surround me....I found them when I was happy, sad, angry, hurt, and when I didn't even know how I was. They sheltered me, carried me when I couldn't do it on my own, and always loved me. Those arms were home to me. While I miss coming home to them, I know you hold me often....there are moments before bed when I feel this quiet comfort, I know you are wrapping them around me then.

The Act of Giving. You gave everything to us. To our friends. To our family. To me. Even if you didn't have the money to give, you'd find a different way to give of yourself. I learned so much about sacrifice from you. You were there when I needed ANYTHING....even if it meant waking you up so you would kill the spider in the tub and you lost an hour of sleep. You never complained and when any of our friends or family was hurting, you were the first to say-what can we do. You always told me how good I am to people and how you wanted to be more like me in that way...but the truth is, I learned it all from you.

Faith. You brought me closer to God than I've been in my whole life. I'll never forget meeting you and finding out you went to 8:00 mass every sunday. I thought you were crazy. You went like clock work...we had some time where we took a step in a more selfish direction...never making the time for Him...but we found our way back, and that was always because of you. Our wedding changed us. It changed you. It made you want to be closer to Him again and because of that, it made me want it, too. I rely on you and God now, more than ever, and am so very thankful that we got to go through RCIA together...that you were my sponsor and taught me more about being closer to God than most people will ever know. Close in a relationship....offering of yourself freely and never asking for more than you thought you deserved. God is good to us...even now. Even now, in my moments of anger, while praying and pleading for understanding and acceptance, I realize that God is big--He can handle all of these emotions and still, he carries me....I know you both are holding my heart together until I can find the strength to begin to put the pieces back together. I thank you for bringing me to Him...for showing me the amazing relationship that can exist with a bit of work and a whole lot of love.

Understanding. You always gave people the benefit of the doubt and you were never quick to judge. Because of that, I've learned to take certain things with a grain of salt and in the last 24 hours have let go of a lot of things that I know you'd tell me were ridiculous. You had more understanding for people's situations and needs than I will ever fully grasp.

Compassion. You always told me you never knew just what to say in situations where people were hurting and yet you always said just the right thing. You hated funerals and still went...offering kind words and sympathy. I remember how we would pray for these families....how we would ask for them to have understanding, strength, and acceptance. This is what I now pray for. You always spoke to God in the most beautiful way....like He was your best friend....I appreciate those conversations and glimpses into your heart so I now know just what to say when I ask Him for these things.

I could go forever. I could go on and on....but the most important thing is that, just today, I realized that while there will still be bad days and good days, I'm going to make it...because you are still here. I know you've been trying to tell me this for 5 weeks. I had forgotten. I forgot how to remember. I will still cry, I will still hurt...but I can also look at your picture and smile. There will always be good days and bad days. Always. But still, there will always be you....right here....until I come to meet you.

Love,
Your Tickles