.Losses And Blessings.

10/19/09


You cannot lose what you never had.....Often I have thought I've had things when it was only in my heart that I had them...mostly in friendships. It has taken much loss to fully realize the difference.

In the last few months I have lost a lot....my husband, best friend, confidant, sounding board, partner, and team mate all rolled up into one. When this happens, you truly find out who your friends are. There are people who promised me they'd always be there...they promised me, my family, even my husband, vowing they wouldn't leave me behind and sure enough, it still happened.

So here I am...staring all these losses in the face, to ease my heart from the wonder of if it will change or if you will ever just be there. Most of the time, these answers come with the harsh reality that it's time to really let go....that holding on to what was never really yours will not change anything, it won't bring back what you lost, and, at the end of the day, the people who held true to their promises and have been there deserve what you can give. Those are the people who will be there when you need them and even when you don't...to laugh, to cry, to have serious conversations, to dream with, to vacation with :), and the ones who will push everything aside because you just need them.

Some people did that for a short while but as the days pass, slowly life catches up and you can either balance or you can't....and, as much as you want to, you can't juggle people

And, even in all of this loss that greets me each day, there are some truly amazing people who have managed to keep true to their promises and commitment...to me. I have some amazing sisters who have chosen to hold me up on the days I struggle and believe me, I'm sure this wears on them too...but I couldn't make it through without them. I never had sisters growing up but I don't know what I'd do without them now. My parents have been there so much for me. I don't know how to repay them for all the things they do for me and Maya and Max and Maggie and Milo. At 24, I didn't expect to have to be taken care of again and here they are, without fail, to take care of me and the family that Chris and I created. My coworkers are nothing short of amazing. The support I've gotten from them and their families is unbelievable....I even have an amazing financial advisor who has turned into one heck of a big brother for me....his family has been a breath of fresh air and I adore them with my whole heart.

I have a handful of others who check in every so often to make sure I'm still hanging in there....those moments to catch up are what I cherish. They respond to notes and statuses and always make sure I'm still moving...sometimes that is what keeps me moving

And then, there are those who were there in those awful beginning days....to remind me to keep breathing...and I am forever grateful for them. While they are not as present as they were in those days, my heart will say nothing but thank you for the rest of my life....

Finally, the few who I lost...which makes me realize I never really had them to begin with...if you can't be with me at worst, then you shouldn't be here at my best.

Please don't put yourself into a category...most of you fall into many...and those who read this are likely not who I've lost :)

I believe, with more conviction than most, that what we all need isn't something we buy...it's something we give.....time. Sometimes we have to sacrifice to do so...life can be so busy....but it's the most rewarding gift of all....for both sides....