.It Is Love.

7/23/09

I know, in the depths of my heart, that someday I'll be okay.....but this is where the conflict is. While I pray every day for the day when I can wake up and not feel like crawling in a hole......it comes with much fear. Fear that I will forget the sound of his voice or the strength in his arms around me or days and moments that we so loved and cherished. The problem is that there is a disconnect right now. I doubt everything that I once so easily believed and knew to be true. The decisions I now have to face without having my best friend there to talk it out with me are much more difficult than I ever anticipated.

The other problem is balance. I can't seem to find the space in which to ask for just enough help and yet not too much. I find myself wanting to give to my friends and family the life back that they had before I needed them too much. While I know life will never again be what it was when Chris was here, I am half hoping I can give them back part of their routine that didn't involve being with me most of the time. This is where I struggle. I know I need them but I also know I cannot always have them here. There are commitments, people, jobs, and daily life that need them just as much as I do.

I feel close to my faith but still have a sadness and lack of understanding that I can't wrap my brain around. I do not blame God for taking Chris.....he was the most amazing man....but I'm sad and don't understand this emptiness and this loneliness that seems to haunt me.....when I'm by myself or just before I try to fall asleep or at the most random moments of my day. I do not understand.

I struggle with my idea of what our life looked like 20 years from now. I have to let go of dreams and a life we were building....a life we both loved and cherished. Suddenly I can't even comprehend 20 minutes from now, much less 20 years....all I know is that he is no longer in it in the way we had so lovingly hoped for. I've never been entirely good at letting go....and it's even more difficult when I didn't have a choice. I didn't choose this and I still don't want it but here I am....unable to change it and trying desperately to find my place again in this world.

I still have people come up to me and tell me how brave I was for reading a eulogy at the funeral but for me, it wasn't bravery.....it is love. Our love changed me. It opened my heart and my eyes to a world that was dull before. The colors always seemed brighter with Chris and while we had our moments, I never doubted that we'd go through life's ups and downs together....until God called us home. I guess I never entertained the idea that it wouldn't be when we were old and done having our wheelchair races in the nursing home. But, at our age, does anyone? I always joked that he'd be nearly 80 when we got to our 50 year anniversary and he always brought me back down to earth and reminded me we take it 1 year at a time...let's get through 1 first. Oh Christopher, you always knew how to bring me back home.

I still cry...a lot. The funny thing is that, in this moment lately, I cannot even feel the tears fall down my face. It feels so much like a part of me and while it is difficult to comprehend, they seem to remind me that I am still here...feeling.....that I'm not entirely numb or so disconnected.

I won't lie...the last 3 days have been so very hard, even today is hard, and I don't know if I see a light at the end of this very dark tunnel yet but I do know that I'm trying my best to honor Chris every day. I often wonder what he is doing in Heaven...who he is with...what he has already seen in this large world that we had always dreamed of doing. Does he sleep up there? Do you even need to sleep? I, too, wonder what he'd be doing if the roles were reversed. He felt things deeply and he was one of the most caring and sensitive people I've ever known. I can only hope that he is watching over us all, taking care of us in our moments of sadness and rejoicing with us in our moments of joy.

I know he loved me enough to face each day with a brave face. This is why I get up every morning and CHOOSE to get out of bed, go to work, and try again. I'm not perfect and sometimes it's harder than I expected but I can say with certainty that he loved me enough.....and I hope that all of you can go to bed each night knowing you loved someone enough.......maybe you have someone special and maybe you don't, but someday you will and then I hope that you can stand up and shout to the world that you love that person enough and as crazy as it seems, God will hear you, and He will know it with as much certainty as I do....because in the darkest moments, and on my hardest days--much like today--I talk to God and I talk to Chris and they carry me...