.Sleepless Nights.

8/31/09

There comes a point for all of us when we feel like we can't take much more. For me, I'm there. Drained. Physically, mentally, emotionally...desperately clinging to anything I might have left inside of me that remotely reminds me of my SELF...the one I lost when half my heart went to Heaven.

I lie awake wondering why....and how. How did God choose my best friend...and me--to carry this load and hurt. And, what on earth am I supposed to do now. Everyone says it's ok to not know but I was always one who could figure it out....figure out a plan, whether back up or otherwise...to get me through to the other side. Now, I'm only grasping for straws and plans that I can't ever set in concrete because I don't know how I'll feel one minute to the next.

I know I can't go back but I don't want to start over. I am in this limbo...between what I can't have any longer and what I know will inevitably happen someday--that I'll find myself moving....on with my job...with my life...with my goals, some of them being our own desires....and yet, I both welcome and dread the day when I look back and realize I somehow made the choice to turn the corner and put the sadness and sorrow in a box that I come back and visit every so often....but that I now choose to smile and hold close our memories and love.

I will carry this love with me everywhere...there is no way I couldn't. Good love changes you--it makes you a better person....it shapes your own dreams, passions, desires, and-at the very core-your self. Good love doesn't judge you...doesn't set limitations or expectations....it accepts and loves you unconditionally...

But I'm not there yet. I'm still so very sad...and angry...and hurt...and even jealous....jealous that You get to spend my forever with Chris. I know this is selfish and I also know You understand these feelings...that You are big and can handle these feelings I so often throw at you...and I pray You hold me in your hands until I'm ready to let go of this anger and hurt and jealousy...until I can be sure that leaving those hands is safe...

These thoughts are scattered, I know. It is difficult for me to make anything flow lately. I lie awake at night contemplating, considering, and trying to stop my brain from thinking...but it just doesn't work. I miss my husband....my best friend and confidant...and I miss my life--the one I once knew like the back of my hand...the one I didn't know I was going to have to lose until it wasn't my choice anymore. By the way, I hate that. I hate that I didn't have a say and that I can't find the decisive piece of myself who didn't second guess everything from what socks to put on to what interest rate to refinance my house at.

And here I am....at bottom...clawing my way up this steep, slippery, dark and scary hill....wondering when I'll get back to the top. Holding out hope and taking a giant leap of faith that I'll be ok...that God doesn't give you more than you can take. Digging deep and holding on for dear life...that, in the midst of all of it, when I don't have any fight left in me....those who love me will throw me a life preserver and pull me in, hold me a while, and set me back up this hill with more strength than I had before....